Physics 2.0©

Are you sick and tired of the old saying 'what goes up must come down'?

Do you wish every action didn't have such an equal and opposite reaction?

Have you ever tried to disobey the Laws of Motion?

Well have no fear!

Physics 2.0© is here!

Rebel Yell scientists have just created Physics 2.0©! We had our scientists slaving away over warm beakers and reasonably cool microscopes and in a matter of minutes (and one 80's future themed montage later) Physics 2.0© was born.

(Mostly synth with a touch of sax)

"Sure, but how does it help me?" I hear you scream. Well Physics 2.0© is here to help you by making what some old fuddy duddies have deemed impossible!

 I'm looking at YOU, Newton.

Originally the scientists set out to create a gun with zero recoil, but it wasn't long into their research that it was deemed "impossible" under the suffocating laws of physics, set in place by the scholars of old.

This might of been a problem for a lesser nation, a weaker nation, a nation without moustaches and suspenders but it certainly wasn't a problem for Rebel Yell.

Our science team had a quick brainstorming session including mind maps, power point presentations, the lot.

It was then they came up with the idea of disposing of the out-of-date laws of physics and  made up their own.

 "Any ideas?"

 So, the impossible is now possible.

And again, Rebel Yell Nation has bucked the trend, said no to conformity, and done what we want.

Enjoy, 

- The Rebel Yell Science and Kite Surfing dept.

Buy our crap.

The Rebel Yell Nation now has merchandise.

Support Rebel Yell in it's rise to power with a snappy new tee or maybe even a beer glass!

The choice is yours! (The choice not to buy is not.)

You can browse the shop by clicking here! or here!

http://www.zazzle.com/rebel_yell_nation

Buy our stuff today!

 

The Magic of Rebel Yell.

The Rebel Yell Nation is known for many things, it's Space Program, The National Moustache Museum, The Worlds Largest Hammer, etc.

A true national monument.

But I bet you didn't know Rebel Yell is home to some of the most amazing magicians of all time.

With names like Gremlin Gates, Pazuzu, John 'The Magician' Smith (one the most creative and exciting magicians of all time, R.I.P, keep on chasing rainbows) and The King of the Wizards all residing here. It's no wonder that on the underground magician scene they call this place the 'Rebel Yell Nation'.

 

A brief history of Magic in Rebel Yell Nation.

In the early years of the Rebel Yell Nation any one found or believed to be practising magic was burned at the stake and had their ashes thrown into a swamp.

It wasn't until Sir. I. C. Nowe discovered that behind all this 'magic' was just sleight of hand and trickery, that the burning and ash-swamping law was changed. Now anyone found or believed to be practising is just avoided.

The burnings were quite the spectacle, often they would make the magicians wear a silly hat for more laughs.

Famous Magicians.

Rebel Yell, after the magician burning law was changed, became a quite famous for it's magicians when John 'The Magician' Smith burst onto the scene with his Coin-in-my-pocket trick, in which he would astound audiences by putting his hand into his pocket and removing a single coin. He would perform this on street corners to groups of people until he was found by entertainment manager Nerben Blampin, who despite his made up name, managed a few popular acts around Rebel Yell. It wasn't long before John Smith was performing in front of crowds of 10 or more. He had a large repertoire of magical tricks, but his signature was always his classic Coin-in-my-pocket trick, which to this day, knowboady can work out how he did it.

Out of his pocket! Can you believe it?

However, John Smith wans't the only famous magician to call Rebel Yell home, as previously mention Gremlin Gates, Pazuzu and The King of the Wizards all lived and worked in Rebel Yell. 

Gremlin famous for his dissapearing-pants routine, Pazuzu, his ability to drive manual cars without a license and the King of the Wizards famous for his work in the superb rock band, Sorcery.

The King of the Wizards mid-performance.

Magic has had a long and charred history in The Rebel Yell Nation, and it will has a longer future, unless of course another burning-magicians law is passed, and we can only hope.

Thanks for reading, 

Rebel Yell - Firearms, Alcohol, Tobacco and Magician History dept.


____

Deep Space Rebel (Yell)

 How the Rebel Yell Nation got into Space 

(and what we did there.)

Space, deep space.
Millions of galaxy, trillions of stars (give or take).
And a lone Spaceship, The Redel.

It's called The Redel because, well long story short, there was some miscommunication between us and the painters, we didn't have time to repaint, so it stuck.

Also we forgot to take a picture pre-take off, this is all we have:

I was like "Take it with the camera sideways, so you get a taller picture!" And he's all "Nah, this'll be right."

So I will give you a quick description of The Redel.

It was as phallic in nature, as it was in spirit. Two large spherical boosters on back, a long shaft-like, cylindrical body, and a hemisphere cock-pit at the front.

But there was nothing funny about this ship, (aside from it's resemblance to a cock) as it was extremely powerful and capable of the impossible light-speed. It could thrust through the vagina of space with precision and ease.

The Rebel Yell Space Program

Rebel Yell's space program is the one of the most expensive, extensive and expansive.

It has already begun moon colonization, and The Redel is the first deep space explorer craft ever.

The program was founded after The Superkings were persuaded (see; conned) into buying some moon property. Not long after, they realised the futility of this newly purchased land, and began The Rebel Yell Space Program, to make some use of their moon property, which they almost have. And with that the program continues to grow each and everyday.

 Rebel Yell owns pretty much that section.

What about The Redel?

The Redel has been exploring deep space for 5 years now, which might sound strange considering they were only launched 1 year ago. During their exploration they came across a 'ReTardis', which according to their explanation was a giant old English phone box, which they flew the ship straight into and re-emerged at the same place but 4 years earlier.

Having the power to go at warp speed has increased the possibilities of space exploration infinitely.

So The Redel has many a story. That of other life forms, amazing worlds, other cool stuff.

All of which will be revealed in the Blog series - The Redel.

So look out for it.

The Rebel Yell Space Program.

Jesus, you call that a miracle?

Jesus.

Some of you might know him from the bible, some of you might have seen him hanging from a wall in your local church but most of us know him from his 80's sitcom Hey, Jesus!

It was definitely a real show.

What did Jesus do?

Jesus, in his time with us on Earth, had some wacky adventures (watch Hey, Jesus! for more details) and on more than one occasion these began with or involved miracles. These weren't everyday 'bickering-couple-reconciles-for-child's-sake' or 'prostitute-sees-the-error-in-her-ways-and-becomes-a-lawyer' crap miracles, Jesus performed some pretty great miracles. This article will list 5 of his miracles that you might not know about.

I can't remember if I mentioned that he had heat-vision... anyway, he does.

What he did.

1. TURNS WATER INTO STEAM


Now everyone who watched Hey, Jesus! saw the episode when Jesus turned all the drinking water at his high school into wine, the scene when the Principal was drunk was a classic. 
It's a staple Jesus story, but little do people know before he was getting people drunk he was turning liquid water into a gas!
That's right, Jesus was turning regular everyday water into a hot mist using only a stove-top! It was Jesus' first big miracle but is often overlooked in place of number 2 on this list.

 You can't fake that.

2. TURNS WATER INTO ICE


Yes, another water based miracle, Jesus worked heavily with water early on in his career, it was kind of his shtick.
Jesus stunned and amazed the masses by taking a glass of fresh rain water and placing it in a freezer, a good few hours later it was frozen solid! Can you believe that? A lot of people at the time didn't, and assumed in the shows intermission, he was swapping out the water and replacing it with some pre-frozen ice. Many people were losing faith in him but this theory was debunked when someone sat and watched the whole thing, not leaving for a break once. The bored man confirmed it's validity and Jesus was again held in high regard.

 He may or may not have had anything to do with Ice-Cube.

3. FLOATS ON WATER


This was the predecessor to his walking on water miracle, and is an old favourite with many a fan, considered to be the best of his water miracles, though it was met with tragedy.
One warm morning Jesus waded his way into a lake, people slowly gathered as they new something was up. Jesus doggy paddled around a little and the to the amazement of the crowd, he spread his arms and legs and stayed afloat in the water. He laid on his back on the lake, bobbing with the ripples, where he remained for about a minute. On his return to the shore, people cheered and clapped him, Jesus took a bow and was thanking the people when someone cried out that there was a young boy attempting the float. Jesus spun around to see the boy flailing about.
"Noooooooooooooo!" Jesus yelled in slow motion, running back into the water, but it was too late, the boy had drowned. However it wasn't long until everybody forgot about the boy, and Jesus' miracle was celebrated further.

If only they had been watching the kid...

4. FINDS IMAGE OF SELF ON BURNT TOAST


One morning the small village of The Bible was woken to the sounds of Jesus yelling:
"Hey, come check this out!"
It was Jesus, so everyone did as ordered, no one wanted to miss the chance of another miracle. They were met with Jesus holding a slice of toast, which, upon further inspection, had an image of Jesus on it. It was amazing, everybody cheered, that is everybody but a small group of grouches who said that Jesus could of just scraped the picture onto the the toast with a knife. This caused a stir amongst fans, some believing he did, some not. It was his second controversial miracle. One accuser attempted to redraw the miracle toast picture but kept scraping off too much of the burnt bit and gave up saying:
"I guess it probably was a miracle."
And again, Jesus had all his fans back, they believed once more.

Actual Jesus toast, with a lamp behind it.

5. BEAT SKI-FREE


This is Jesus' third, final and most controversial miracle of all. Jesus finshed the (near) impossible game that is Ski-Free.
This miracle is so controversial as no one, other than Jesus, saw it happen. Now many people say it must be true, Jesus has no reason to lie, I mean he's turning water into ice for goodness sakes. Jesus says:
"Near the end I was going real quick and I hit a ramp right near the end and got over the yeti."
Seems legit enough, but some conspiracy theorists say that there isn't a jump near the yeti and the speed attainable on the slopes isn't sufficient to out run the Yeti.
So no one truly knows the legitimacy of this miracle, you just have to make up your own mind.

 What? You gonna say I didn't win? Look at this crown.

And there you have it, five miracles of Jesus you probably didn't even know.


Rebel Yell - Faiths and Pantheons Dept.

Rebel Yell Studies presents... Microwave Time.

 Microwave Time.

Now i'm sure we're all aware of the saying 'Time flies when you're having fun' but never has the flip-side of this well known saying been so true as with Microwave Time. Never has 3 minutes taken as long as it has to cook those noodles. Rebel Yell studies will explain this phenomenom as we throw all previous flawed time theories out the window, sort of.

If microwaves were around back then, this is what Abe would look like waiting for his pizza to re-heat.

Micro-what?!

The Microwave Oven was brought to our homes in 1967. It was designed as an alternate and much faster way to eliminate Gremlins than the conventional oven. It has become a household standard these days for it's convenience and ease of use, you could just trap a Gremlin in it, set it to around 2 minutes (depending on the size) and BOOM, dead Gremlin. Alternatively you could heat up food in it.

They HATE microwaves. 

 Why are we waiting?

Now it is true that the Microwave will heat things up quicker than the conventional oven but, you see, the Microwave works on it's own alternate time. The minutes on a Microwave countdown are even slower than that of a watched clock. 

For example, if you are cooking a pie at 3 mintues in the Microwave, you have time to use the toliet, have a drink, check facebook and pace impatiently and will still have 1.50 left on the countdown, where as if you had 5 minutes untill you needed to leave the house, taking a slash and grabbing a drink will have you leaving 5 minutes late! 

 How it works, probably.

What does this mean?

In an attempt to harness the phenomenom that is Microwave Time, Rebel Yell Studies had someone go to bed with a microwave on his bed side table and upon waking setting it to 30 minutes to see if his sleep in felt much longer. However, the subject never got back to us.

So at the moment there is nothing we can do with this strange occurence, maybe sometime in the future in the year 2019, but until then lets all just respect the magical Microwave and enjoy a delicious Microwave pork roast!

Note; microwave roasts not reccomended.

Diaries of a Paragoomba.

 Griswald Junior's Diary
The Diary of a Paragoomba.

September 20th, 1988: 
     It's my first day at the B.A.T.C.G.D. That's the Bowser's Army Training Camp: Goomba Division. I've always wanted to be in the army, like my father, Griswald, who unfortunately was killed in action. Hit with a stray Koopa Troopa shell. It feels good to be here though, serving my overlord.

     Today we were all run through an obstacle course and given a bunch of forms to fill out. I wonder which division i'll be put in, they said we'd find out tomorrow, I can't wait to find out. I hope they put me in the Paragoomba squad, just like Dad.



September 20th, 1988:
     YES! I've been selected for the Paragoomba division. Father would be so proud. Tomorrow we get our wings and we begin our training course. All of the Para division are now together in the same barracks, i've met a couple cool Goomba's already. The goomba I share a bunk with is Gerhard, he's from Ice Land. He's nice but his Goomish is a little broken, it's pretty funny. Most of the other Goomba's are from Grass Land like me, but there's a couple from Pipe Land and Water Land too.



September 21st, 1988:
     I got my wings today, they're awesome. A couple of the goomb's have already started giving their wings a personal touch, for example Gary, he's a fast talking cool goomb from Grass Land, has drawn a naked Goomba girl on his wings with the words 'light brown and comin' down' underneath. I don't really get it, but it probably means something to him. Oh and the Sarge is a real hard-ass, but he's good at what he does.

October 3rd, 1988: 
     We've been training for nearly 2 weeks now, it's tougher than i'd imagined, but i'm keeping up great. We're doing lots of drops and jumps, i'm almost best in our group, though Gerhard is a little better, but I don't let him know that. The Sarge is giving all of us greif, but i'm sure he's proud of our progress.

The Sarge and I, running some drills.

October 6th, 1988:
     We'v all just been given notice that we will be serving as early as next month. It's a little frightening, I mean, we've not even had 3 weeks training, but if the sarge thinks we're up to it, I guess we must be. The other guys are a bit nervous too, Gerhard was just telling me the other day about how he's just had a kid with his new wife, Gerri, and that when he leaves the army he was gonna be a photographer. We've got a a couple weeks of hard training ahead of us, but i'm ready for it.

Some of Gerhard's artsy photography

October 16th, 1988:

      It turns out that we're leaving for duty in just one week! None of us expected this, not even the sarge, but we're now just learning about our objective, and what we've got to do. We're gonna be on patrol in a small area of Desert Land, near one of Bowser's castles. Word is that... Mario... is planning on heading through there soon. Just writing his name makes me so mad, because of him my father is dead. This is why I really joined the army. Revenge.

October 22nd, 1988:

     We're all packed up and ready to get on the plane tomorrow, we haven't had much time to prepare but we're ready.

October 23rd, 1988:

     Ok, we jump out of the plane in about 1 hour, so this'll be my last entry till we set up a command post after patrol, i'm ready to kick some Mario arse...

_____________________________________

BRAND NEW GAME OUT NOW! HEPATETRIS

CAN YOU PREPARE FOOD IN A FAECAL MATTER INVESTED ENVIRONMENT WITHOUT CAUSING WIDESPREAD HEPATITIS?

HEPATETRIS LETS YOU FIND OUT!
TRY TO CATCH ALL THE FOOD ITEMS IN ONE HAND AND STACK THAT PESKY FAECIES  IN THE OTHER!

JUST 7.99 FOR YOUR PHONE!

Rebel Yell presents: The Fairy Twins!

THE FAIRY TWINS!

The Fairy Twins is the latest movie from Rebel Yell productions.
Featuring Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson and Vin Diesel, in this hilarious new comedy.  

Bubbo (Dwayne Johnson) and his twin fairy brother Zonk (Vin Diesel) have broken the sacred fairy rule, no abusing drugs and alcohol, and now they've been sent to the big city to complete a quest to prove their worth. The Fairy king (Jason Alexander) has told the Fairy Twins they must go and do 3 good things for the humans, only trick is, they can't reveal their true identity. Hilarity ensues! They get up to such things as trying to cross a busy road, trying to fit into today's modern society, also they try and change a nappy!

 Dwayne Johnson                                    Vin Diesel

When you're Fairy Twins not everything goes to plan!

Coming out 11/11/2011 (probably not)

What's so special about Newton?

Sir Issac Newton, he was a English physicist, mathematician, astronomer, natural philosopher, alchemist, and theologian (according to wikipedia anyway.) 

He is most commonly known for his discovery of gravity and his laws of motion.

Well, so what.
People praise him like he invented gravity, and many people actually think he did, but all he did was give something a name.

Gravity always existed, it wasn't like people were just floating around pre-5 July 1687, that's when he published Philosophiæ Naturalis Principia Mathematica, in which he first discussed gravity. 

I'm aware the book discussed a few thoeries and such but did it have to have such a pretentious name, I mean what's wrong with Isaacs big book about stuff he reckons, it's almost as long and doesn't make him sound like such a jerk.

By now you're probably thinking;
"Well, sure, I guess he didn't really 'discover' gravity, but look at his laws of motion or all the other good work he did."


Well his laws of motion were more of the same! Just naming stuff that happens that nobody else cared enough about to give names to. Then drew a few formulas.


"So    and that's how the laws of motion work!"

Pfft, get stuffed Isaac, you jerk!


  And that's gravity... apparently!



What a jerk!

And as for his other stuff he did! Well I don't really know what else he did, hang on a tic while I look at wikipdeia for a bit.
Take look at the pretentious bastard while you wait.

Sure he had a formula for everything, but check out that beak!

Here's something  I bet you didn't know, he was born prematurely, he was a small child; his mother Hannah Ayscough reportedly said that he could have fit inside a quart mug! That's only about 1.1 litres! Yeah, that's right, your hero was a tiny weak child at one point. What he was doing inside of quart mugs is anyones guess, mine is that it was for some sleezy reason.

He was also once engaged in his late teens to a Miss Storey, but what happened of that? Who knows, I bet he broke the poor gal's heart. Some genius, sounds like a cold-hearted prick to me.

He never ended up married, believed to be asexual. Too good for anyone else by the sounds of things.

Theory of gravitation, 

Theory of colour binomial theorem, 

Theory of finite differences, 

Theorem of revolving orbits, 

Theory of the Moon's Motion

and many more.

He sure had a lot of theories but have at look at his hair! What a douche.

You couldn't theorise that rug pretty!

So in short, Sir (how pretentious) Isaac Newton, is a big jerk. 

I've no doubt opened your eyes about this fraud. Fraudulent in the way that he is made to look like a hero, but is really a bell-end, not in the way that he stole other peoples ideas (but he probably did.)

There.

World War 4 - 'I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones. Albert Einstein US (German-born) physicist (1879 - 1955)

Ivan Canright's First Book!

A brand new author, Ivan Canright, straight out of year 10 English has published his first full length short story 'The tale of a man with a flower in his breast pocket' with Rebel Yell Publishing.


Here is an excerpt from Canright's first piece.


"The man stood quite still on the side of the old English cobbled road, he was wearing a brownish, grey fedora hat which sat atop his mousy brown hair that wasn't quite shoulder length but nearly was, also it was a little bit curly, more wavy if anything. His shirt was an off white, possibly due to it's age, as it was quite an old shirt, and it had a breast pocket, this breast pocket contained a small white flower, it wasn't all that obvious as it was almost the same colour as the shirt on which it resided. He was also wearing pants, they were normal.
The man, who's name wasn't very interesting, saw a woman. The woman was wearing..."

- I. Canright 

With blazing reviews such as;

"Ivan is always on time and never missed a class" - Mr. Smope, Maths Teacher

"He has an adequate grasp on the english language and always approached creative writing with enthusiasm" - Mr. Bell, English Teacher

"I'm not sure what you're getting at..." -  Dan Brown, Pillock, "Author"



A story full of overly explained, unnecessary sentences with very little actual substance, a classic year 10 creative writing masterpiece.


Don't miss out! Buy this full length short story today!
Only $35.99 from all small family owned, local bookstores.

REBEL YELL AND EDGE RADIO NEEDS YOU!

You're one of the lucky ones. You get to enjoy this side-splittingly educational, continuously hilarious and  ever-entertaining blog whenever you please, you've found this blog either by word of mouth, the constant spamming on facebook or maybe even on the radio. Well, if you have heard us on the radio you're even luckier, that's where we started, that's where Rebel Yell was formed.

Now you probably think that when Rebel Yell graces your ear drums it happens the same way this blog does... Magic.

Well you'd be wrong.
Rebel Yell is actually broadcast from EDGE RADIO 99.3 FM. 

 Note the EDGE RADIO Cube in the picture

Rebel Yell's favorite radio station EDGE RADIO 99.3 FM is a non-profit organization and because billions of people like YOU listen to it for free everyday they're starting to get a little low on the green, in fact all the green is now a horrible wrinkly red (kind of like the bills on The Sims if you don't pay them) and we need YOU to support by donating some money. Even if you don't listen to EDGE please donate some money.






Otherwise Rebel Yell might just cease to be.
Wow, there. Don't cry, crying isn't going to solve anything, money, on the other hand will. So give generously.
 

So go here EDGE RADIOTHON or to the other two links to do everybody a favour and donate.

Cheers, Rebel Yell.





.

That guy.

Everyone knows 'that guy', he's the one who always takes it too far in every situation.

See, you've now just realized that you know a 'that guy'. 

"Fucksake, I just wanted a light"

Whether it be to start throwing punches in a wrestle, abuse a stranger or break a controller, 'that' guy' always takes it too far, anything you or someone normal has done and been silently deemed ok, or even maybe laughed at, 'that guy' see's it as his opportunity to increase his 'cool' standings within the group, but inevitably he takes things too far by instead of celebrating their winning hand in poker by cheering, they'll flip the table, break a window and take of their shirt, which has quite the opposite effect to had what they'd wanted to achieve, thus making them more 'un-cool' than not, which they will again try to get out of by taking something else to far. It's a vicious circle.

The mind of 'that guy' is a strange thing he see's victory in everything to be a step which he must climb to be cool, failure is something he can turn into a victory if he jokingly get's angry at his opponents and everyone has a laugh at how great 'that guy' is.

Unfortunately in reality his victory at all costs approach involves beating women and children at things like arm wrestling, eating more of something than anyone and spewing everywhere and loud abuse and/or touching you annoyingly until you give up. His ability to take things too far shines when ever he loses because in failure no one really thinks headbutting your opponent, smashing the tv and throwing the card deck out the window is all that funny but 'that guy' will do it anyway.

So if you're 'that guy' please think before you punch your keyboard or burp in someones face, that's actually HINDERING your chances of being liked.

But who am I kidding, you won't listen to this, anybody who's that guy is in worse denial than holocaust deniers.

And anybody who knows a 'that guy' (I know you all do) i'm sorry, but there's nothing short of rat poison tea and dumping the body in the ocean that can be done.

A brand new horror/romance to distract teenage girls with!

Rebel Yell is proud to announce its first teen novel!

Beyond the Grey Cave is a shocking and modern masterpiece that highlights the difficulties of teen romance.

When Stacy Green falls in love with a strikingly hansom vampire bat she knows she will not be accepted by her friends and family. But the forbidden couple realise that true love can never cave in.

"Stacy ran ridiculously towards Frankie the bat, this startled him so he flew away. Stacy was sick of this hard to get routine, she just wanted Frankie, even though he was a bat, she did't care.

"I don't care." She stated to herself quietly but with speech marks anyway.

One thing was for sure, her sewing and cake baking would have to take a side line, in fact she had no time for anything that teenage girls like doing, she was too in love with Frankie. 

Beyond the Grey Cave $29.99

A Graph of Being Five

Choose your own adventure!

Rebel Yell publishing is proud to announce it's latest master piece!
The Ghost in the Upside Down House on the Hill. A chilling choose your own adventure novel that will have you flipping back and forth in enthusiastic fear.

"You look down the corridor, there are several lighting fixtures coming up from the ground, this is because the house is upside down. Suddenly a ghost starts moving gradually towards you."
If you pull out your crucifix and attempt an exorcism turn to page 153.
If you tell the ghost to do it to your friend Julia turn the George Orwell's 1984
If you suddenly realise you are impervious to ghost venom turn to page 3.
If you duck to the door on your left turn to page 56.


Chilling stuff! Be careful though each choice has dire consequences!!
The Ghost in the Upside Down House on the Hill $29.99

R-MART products that save you money!

New R-Mart products to keep you content in your studies/desk job/prison cell.

Are your emotions getting the better of you?
why not try our new Emo-Bottle, it works like a genie except you put your wishes IN and they never come out again!
 Is your desk job making you want to put a hole punch to your throat? Why not put that feeling in a bottle and kind of forget about it?
Do you like a fellow student but have a small penis/infected vagina? why not put your love in this bottle until it festers into some kind of psychological disorder that plagues you in your sleep?
The Emo-Bottle keeping your feelings... away. $67.99

Rebel Yell Studies

A recent Rebel Yell Study has shown that shit does not in fact "roll down hill". It is more likely to either sit exactly where it has landed or slide down the hill a bit like lava, depending on the solidity of the waste. So next time your boss gives you crap make him/her drink it back up in a TB cocktail. mm yum

One of our talented scientists has discovered that "the straw the broke the camels back" was actually filled with a dark matter like substance. It was also a curly straw and was filled with thick shake at the time.

The fact that an elephant never forgets is irrelevant as it is not intelligent enough to recall any interesting facts that it can spill out at parties without provocation.

People who say "the burgers ARE actually better at hungry jacks," are actually terrorists.

One can be restless even after hours and hours of nothing but rest. This test was completed by STU himself.

This just in: Jesus Clash

Jesus Christs scheduled return to earth in 2012 has clashed with that of the Mayan predicted 'end of the world'. It's feared that the 'end of the world as we know it', as sung by R.E.M, will over shadow the famous prophets return.

"I'm pretty pissed off about the whole thing." Said the holy carpenter.

"I've had this tour planned for thousands of years now, but I guess there's some things you just can't plan for."
Despite the expected destruction of earth, the son of God has stated he will not be canceling any of his shows.

"I just can't let my fans down." Said Jesus. It was said to be Christs most ambitious return yet, bigger and better than his last. However with the world nearing it's end many people are unsure whether of  not they'll be able to attend the return, or even be alive.

"I don't think I can make it," Says Joe, a local merchant.

"The planets impending doom has just filled up my schedule and at the same time made it redundant." Joe's words seem to echo that of the general public.

"As this is my second return, I think the whole 'difficult second return' rule is in effect, " Joked the Messiah.

"I'm just hoping for some kind of miracle."

- Rebel News.