Diaries of a Paragoomba.

 Griswald Junior's Diary
The Diary of a Paragoomba.

September 20th, 1988: 
     It's my first day at the B.A.T.C.G.D. That's the Bowser's Army Training Camp: Goomba Division. I've always wanted to be in the army, like my father, Griswald, who unfortunately was killed in action. Hit with a stray Koopa Troopa shell. It feels good to be here though, serving my overlord.

     Today we were all run through an obstacle course and given a bunch of forms to fill out. I wonder which division i'll be put in, they said we'd find out tomorrow, I can't wait to find out. I hope they put me in the Paragoomba squad, just like Dad.



September 20th, 1988:
     YES! I've been selected for the Paragoomba division. Father would be so proud. Tomorrow we get our wings and we begin our training course. All of the Para division are now together in the same barracks, i've met a couple cool Goomba's already. The goomba I share a bunk with is Gerhard, he's from Ice Land. He's nice but his Goomish is a little broken, it's pretty funny. Most of the other Goomba's are from Grass Land like me, but there's a couple from Pipe Land and Water Land too.



September 21st, 1988:
     I got my wings today, they're awesome. A couple of the goomb's have already started giving their wings a personal touch, for example Gary, he's a fast talking cool goomb from Grass Land, has drawn a naked Goomba girl on his wings with the words 'light brown and comin' down' underneath. I don't really get it, but it probably means something to him. Oh and the Sarge is a real hard-ass, but he's good at what he does.

October 3rd, 1988: 
     We've been training for nearly 2 weeks now, it's tougher than i'd imagined, but i'm keeping up great. We're doing lots of drops and jumps, i'm almost best in our group, though Gerhard is a little better, but I don't let him know that. The Sarge is giving all of us greif, but i'm sure he's proud of our progress.

The Sarge and I, running some drills.

October 6th, 1988:
     We'v all just been given notice that we will be serving as early as next month. It's a little frightening, I mean, we've not even had 3 weeks training, but if the sarge thinks we're up to it, I guess we must be. The other guys are a bit nervous too, Gerhard was just telling me the other day about how he's just had a kid with his new wife, Gerri, and that when he leaves the army he was gonna be a photographer. We've got a a couple weeks of hard training ahead of us, but i'm ready for it.

Some of Gerhard's artsy photography

October 16th, 1988:

      It turns out that we're leaving for duty in just one week! None of us expected this, not even the sarge, but we're now just learning about our objective, and what we've got to do. We're gonna be on patrol in a small area of Desert Land, near one of Bowser's castles. Word is that... Mario... is planning on heading through there soon. Just writing his name makes me so mad, because of him my father is dead. This is why I really joined the army. Revenge.

October 22nd, 1988:

     We're all packed up and ready to get on the plane tomorrow, we haven't had much time to prepare but we're ready.

October 23rd, 1988:

     Ok, we jump out of the plane in about 1 hour, so this'll be my last entry till we set up a command post after patrol, i'm ready to kick some Mario arse...

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That guy.

Everyone knows 'that guy', he's the one who always takes it too far in every situation.

See, you've now just realized that you know a 'that guy'. 

"Fucksake, I just wanted a light"

Whether it be to start throwing punches in a wrestle, abuse a stranger or break a controller, 'that' guy' always takes it too far, anything you or someone normal has done and been silently deemed ok, or even maybe laughed at, 'that guy' see's it as his opportunity to increase his 'cool' standings within the group, but inevitably he takes things too far by instead of celebrating their winning hand in poker by cheering, they'll flip the table, break a window and take of their shirt, which has quite the opposite effect to had what they'd wanted to achieve, thus making them more 'un-cool' than not, which they will again try to get out of by taking something else to far. It's a vicious circle.

The mind of 'that guy' is a strange thing he see's victory in everything to be a step which he must climb to be cool, failure is something he can turn into a victory if he jokingly get's angry at his opponents and everyone has a laugh at how great 'that guy' is.

Unfortunately in reality his victory at all costs approach involves beating women and children at things like arm wrestling, eating more of something than anyone and spewing everywhere and loud abuse and/or touching you annoyingly until you give up. His ability to take things too far shines when ever he loses because in failure no one really thinks headbutting your opponent, smashing the tv and throwing the card deck out the window is all that funny but 'that guy' will do it anyway.

So if you're 'that guy' please think before you punch your keyboard or burp in someones face, that's actually HINDERING your chances of being liked.

But who am I kidding, you won't listen to this, anybody who's that guy is in worse denial than holocaust deniers.

And anybody who knows a 'that guy' (I know you all do) i'm sorry, but there's nothing short of rat poison tea and dumping the body in the ocean that can be done.

This just in: Jesus Clash

Jesus Christs scheduled return to earth in 2012 has clashed with that of the Mayan predicted 'end of the world'. It's feared that the 'end of the world as we know it', as sung by R.E.M, will over shadow the famous prophets return.

"I'm pretty pissed off about the whole thing." Said the holy carpenter.

"I've had this tour planned for thousands of years now, but I guess there's some things you just can't plan for."
Despite the expected destruction of earth, the son of God has stated he will not be canceling any of his shows.

"I just can't let my fans down." Said Jesus. It was said to be Christs most ambitious return yet, bigger and better than his last. However with the world nearing it's end many people are unsure whether of  not they'll be able to attend the return, or even be alive.

"I don't think I can make it," Says Joe, a local merchant.

"The planets impending doom has just filled up my schedule and at the same time made it redundant." Joe's words seem to echo that of the general public.

"As this is my second return, I think the whole 'difficult second return' rule is in effect, " Joked the Messiah.

"I'm just hoping for some kind of miracle."

- Rebel News.