Diaries of a Paragoomba.

 Griswald Junior's Diary
The Diary of a Paragoomba.

September 20th, 1988: 
     It's my first day at the B.A.T.C.G.D. That's the Bowser's Army Training Camp: Goomba Division. I've always wanted to be in the army, like my father, Griswald, who unfortunately was killed in action. Hit with a stray Koopa Troopa shell. It feels good to be here though, serving my overlord.

     Today we were all run through an obstacle course and given a bunch of forms to fill out. I wonder which division i'll be put in, they said we'd find out tomorrow, I can't wait to find out. I hope they put me in the Paragoomba squad, just like Dad.



September 20th, 1988:
     YES! I've been selected for the Paragoomba division. Father would be so proud. Tomorrow we get our wings and we begin our training course. All of the Para division are now together in the same barracks, i've met a couple cool Goomba's already. The goomba I share a bunk with is Gerhard, he's from Ice Land. He's nice but his Goomish is a little broken, it's pretty funny. Most of the other Goomba's are from Grass Land like me, but there's a couple from Pipe Land and Water Land too.



September 21st, 1988:
     I got my wings today, they're awesome. A couple of the goomb's have already started giving their wings a personal touch, for example Gary, he's a fast talking cool goomb from Grass Land, has drawn a naked Goomba girl on his wings with the words 'light brown and comin' down' underneath. I don't really get it, but it probably means something to him. Oh and the Sarge is a real hard-ass, but he's good at what he does.

October 3rd, 1988: 
     We've been training for nearly 2 weeks now, it's tougher than i'd imagined, but i'm keeping up great. We're doing lots of drops and jumps, i'm almost best in our group, though Gerhard is a little better, but I don't let him know that. The Sarge is giving all of us greif, but i'm sure he's proud of our progress.

The Sarge and I, running some drills.

October 6th, 1988:
     We'v all just been given notice that we will be serving as early as next month. It's a little frightening, I mean, we've not even had 3 weeks training, but if the sarge thinks we're up to it, I guess we must be. The other guys are a bit nervous too, Gerhard was just telling me the other day about how he's just had a kid with his new wife, Gerri, and that when he leaves the army he was gonna be a photographer. We've got a a couple weeks of hard training ahead of us, but i'm ready for it.

Some of Gerhard's artsy photography

October 16th, 1988:

      It turns out that we're leaving for duty in just one week! None of us expected this, not even the sarge, but we're now just learning about our objective, and what we've got to do. We're gonna be on patrol in a small area of Desert Land, near one of Bowser's castles. Word is that... Mario... is planning on heading through there soon. Just writing his name makes me so mad, because of him my father is dead. This is why I really joined the army. Revenge.

October 22nd, 1988:

     We're all packed up and ready to get on the plane tomorrow, we haven't had much time to prepare but we're ready.

October 23rd, 1988:

     Ok, we jump out of the plane in about 1 hour, so this'll be my last entry till we set up a command post after patrol, i'm ready to kick some Mario arse...

_____________________________________

A brand new detective novel!

Rebel Yell is proud to announce yet another thrilling publication!
The Streets are melancholy  is an exiting piece of detective fiction !

It was a hot day in New Yorksburg, oppressively hot, so hot that all of the nineteen fifties people considered briefly wearing something other than suits and gangster hats. But they kept on wearing them anyway, it’s really important that you grasp that it’s hot. The fan in Dirk Doyle’s private eye office was straining to keep up with the hot, hot heat; it was somehow in the way of the light so it had a similar lighting effect as on a Ridley Scott film. Dirk was chewing on a cigar, or a toothpick, it was probably too hot to smoke. There was a knock on the door, from the other side of the door than Dirk so dirk couldn’t see who it was. It was an attractive woman, he saw this when she walked in, which she did sexily.

‘Are you Doyle?’ she asked.

‘Who wants to know?’

‘Me.’

‘And who are you?’

‘I’m Winona Kidman, I want you to follow my husband.’

‘If he’s anywhere near as sexy as you it looks like we have a case,’

So Dirk went to the woman’s husbands house, luckily he was getting in his car, which was green but that old kind of green that used to be in kitchens. Dirk followed him, there were some tense moments involving hiding his face behind a news-paper and standing next to a pole in the way that he became invisible to the followee. Soon Dirk followed until they arrived at a large warehouse, the kind for storing large boxes in. Dirk pulled out a cigarette and stuffed it into his pipe, he then loaded his revolver. Suddenly there was a knock on his car window. It was a bad guy, they fought after Dirk somehow got out of the car, Dirk won and extracted valuable information from the bad guy after some typically macho banter. 

Wow! This is so good that we can only sell a limited amount of copies!! buy now! $19.99

That guy.

Everyone knows 'that guy', he's the one who always takes it too far in every situation.

See, you've now just realized that you know a 'that guy'. 

"Fucksake, I just wanted a light"

Whether it be to start throwing punches in a wrestle, abuse a stranger or break a controller, 'that' guy' always takes it too far, anything you or someone normal has done and been silently deemed ok, or even maybe laughed at, 'that guy' see's it as his opportunity to increase his 'cool' standings within the group, but inevitably he takes things too far by instead of celebrating their winning hand in poker by cheering, they'll flip the table, break a window and take of their shirt, which has quite the opposite effect to had what they'd wanted to achieve, thus making them more 'un-cool' than not, which they will again try to get out of by taking something else to far. It's a vicious circle.

The mind of 'that guy' is a strange thing he see's victory in everything to be a step which he must climb to be cool, failure is something he can turn into a victory if he jokingly get's angry at his opponents and everyone has a laugh at how great 'that guy' is.

Unfortunately in reality his victory at all costs approach involves beating women and children at things like arm wrestling, eating more of something than anyone and spewing everywhere and loud abuse and/or touching you annoyingly until you give up. His ability to take things too far shines when ever he loses because in failure no one really thinks headbutting your opponent, smashing the tv and throwing the card deck out the window is all that funny but 'that guy' will do it anyway.

So if you're 'that guy' please think before you punch your keyboard or burp in someones face, that's actually HINDERING your chances of being liked.

But who am I kidding, you won't listen to this, anybody who's that guy is in worse denial than holocaust deniers.

And anybody who knows a 'that guy' (I know you all do) i'm sorry, but there's nothing short of rat poison tea and dumping the body in the ocean that can be done.

Rebel Yell Studies

A recent Rebel Yell Study has shown that shit does not in fact "roll down hill". It is more likely to either sit exactly where it has landed or slide down the hill a bit like lava, depending on the solidity of the waste. So next time your boss gives you crap make him/her drink it back up in a TB cocktail. mm yum

One of our talented scientists has discovered that "the straw the broke the camels back" was actually filled with a dark matter like substance. It was also a curly straw and was filled with thick shake at the time.

The fact that an elephant never forgets is irrelevant as it is not intelligent enough to recall any interesting facts that it can spill out at parties without provocation.

People who say "the burgers ARE actually better at hungry jacks," are actually terrorists.

One can be restless even after hours and hours of nothing but rest. This test was completed by STU himself.

Some new rules..

The formation of the Rebel Yell’s glorious state has been a long time in the making, but our glorious leader assures you that everything is going to plan and us under control. He would also like to inform you of the following changes.

1.       City Hall is now to be referred to as Stu and Azza’s Hall of infinite super glory

2.       ABC’s Hungry Beast is now to be referred to as The Hungry Beast that eats everyone else’s jokes and digests them as their own shit.

3.       Recycled opinions are now illegal under our glorious revolution; everyone’s dialogue will be recorded and cross referenced against A Current Affair, Oprah, First year university texts and Hungry Beast. If your opinions are a replicate of these without accompanying independent thought and reasoning you will be asked to stop ‘reckoning’ things and grow a personality.

4.       Room 101 is undergoing maintenance, until further notice room 101 services can be found online at our government website, follow the prompts and please remember that we are watching.

Another bloggin blog

You're probably reading this thinking "Hey, this is Rebel Yell's third blog based blog! What a gip, i'm going to stop reading this right now." Well there's not much I can really do to sway you now because if you're a person of your word you aren't reading this, but if you are then your a pathetic liar, or you weren't thinking the said thought, in which case, i'll continue.

Sure, blogging is an easy way to get your views and opinions out there but blogging is also the future. It's the way forward in all things written (also pictures). As a self described wordsmith, dreamweaver, prophet and comedic genius, blogging is the best way for Rebel Yell to share our lives and humorous anecdotes to the greater public, the clued in individuals who are all 'hooked up' with the web and all 'with it' in regards to blogs, vlogs and youtube logs, and that's why Rebel Yell blogs, but mostly because it's easy.

We here at Rebel Yell do realise that their are lot of blogs out their that just don't deliver when in comes to entertainment, which is why we strive (and then deliver, but not necessarily in that order) to bring you the cutting edge of internet writing with our edutainment, laugh-as-you-learn system.

I bet you didn't know that up to 500% of blogs are statistically incorrect, but not Rebel Yell, we guarantee the truth, because the truth hurts and what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and with strength comes power and with power comes great responsibility and...well I kind of lost my train of thought.

I can't make any promises that our future blogs won't be about blogging itself but I can promise that it won't. I know you'll keep reading our blogs, I can see it in your eyes, yes, that dead pixel on your screen is a microscopic spy camera, don't worry, I don't watch you all the time.

So, just to wrap it up, we'll be bringing you more hilarious blogs with many 'Ah yeah, that's totally true!' moments that i'm sure you'll become a fan of on Facebook.  'See' you next time.

Cheers, Rebel Yell.

The Quest for Employment

1.   Applying

The resume run is dead, trust me as soon as you give it to the teenage chick behind the counter to pass on to the manager you have resigned yourself to silent ridicule as you walk out the door. She will probably take it home and laugh at it with her friends; they think your resume sucks.

If you have sun burnt eyes and have typed your email address out 76 times today it is likely you’re applying for jobs online , or subscribing to paid surveys.

Are you perhaps a registered nurse? No? A doctor in engineering... of the heart? Well I doubt your having much luck, mm that call centre looks good, i’ll just go ahead and upload my resume... oh you want me to put in just a few details first?

Name

Surname

Nickname

Dogs name

Several stealth questions about your sexuality

Everything on your resume

Now you can upload the useless SOB.  Wait two weeks for resume to be processed before you get a wonderfully personal response.

We appreciate your interest in the position, as the number of applications for this job are huge we would appreciate it if you just chill out while we do absolutely nothing with your application.

Sincerely (yes a computer can be sincere) Mr. Corporate Douche

2.   Phone interviews

“Hello is Mr.Smith there?”

“Why yes that’s me how can I help?”

“Hi this is Janet from Job That You Applied For Inc, would now be a good time for a brief phone interview?”

“Oh... Sure” of course it’s the worst possible moment for a phone interview, you had a more than generous serving of liquorice curry last night and your stranded on the shitter without a sustainable supply of toilet roll.  You can’t tell them it’s not a good time, if you let them go now it’s back to step one where you have the same chances as the rest of those chumps in the testicle like sperm pool that is unemployment. You’re the lucky one, don’t blow it.  So now you have to convince some human recourses cow that you’re the right person for this job.  Good luck because chances are your shit on the phone, a  recent and unofficial survey by the Rebel Yell research team found that most people speak in a ridiculous high voice on the phone and also act 50% more surprised than in normal situations.

She can hear you pooing by the way.

3.   Group interviews.

This can be fun if you a sick minded freak like Kevin spacey in the movie 7even. This is what employers who think they are hip like to do to for their entertainment, its like putting all of the applicants in the coliseum.  Fight!

Rule 1: Don’t arrive early, it’s like a party not a normal interview, if you’re the first guy there you’re the guy the managers see first. Yes they are scrutinising you the longest. They hate you.

Rule 2. Don’t be the second person there, you will have to talk to the first guy and the managers hate him.

Rule 3: Once you have arrived (be the fourth person,) size up everyone else, look at that douche he is wearing a tie when nobody else is! Don’t be that guy. Check out all the other potentials, be quick to spot the joker, he will be talking to the nearest chick, most likely the frantic teen who finds him hilarious. Don’t sit near him once you are let in, his jokes will turn to sucky shit once the managers are present trust me.

Rule 4: Oh shit they are making you do a role play and you’re teamed up with the 50 year old man who appears to have walked in off the street but its okay because you can knock your partner out of the competition. Make them feel and look wrong footed, do something different to what you organised with the other person. They will stammer and look like a git.

Rule 5: And now it hits you... get out of there! You’re applying for a job with the kind of people that think group interviews are a good idea! Don’t stick around to shake the mangers hand, get out and don’t look back.

4.   The personal interview (Like Blade Runner but faster)

Like the group interview you may see other applicants here, size them up while you’re waiting, they seem to have brought folders for their CVs. What insecure dicks. Don’t carry your resume’s around, because if your interviewer  sees them they will see it the same way your partner would if she was to catch you in town with a bunch of hookers on your arm. If you don’t hang hundreds out of your fly, don’t hang resumes out of a folder. Ok it’s your turn to go in.

Shake hands; awkwardly stand until you think its okay to sit.

“So what qualifies you for this position?”

A: My incredibly generic resume

B: Jesus it’s walking dogs, i do that in my sleep... well half of it anyway

C: Well I think that in my past role as a bullshit artist I learnt that whatever the task given, one can always get through... the task... if you.. Try?

D:  Position? I’ll sue you you sick prick!

Okay so you have somehow managed to stumble through that.

“HR will be in contact with you shortly” says the interviewer, either with a warm smile and eye contact or with deliberate avoidance of eye contact and absent minded flicking of pages. Now you wait for the call if you get one it means you have the job! Hooray! If you don’t it means you didn’t, unless you get a different job, then you will get a call informing you of your success. Convenient.

5.   Induction, Probationary period... you’re the bitch.

You’re the goldfish in the bowl; you have been selected in wild excitement and are set up to dissolution your new owners like ...a goldfish. You’re on minimum wage and enjoy as much permanency as that poo stain on the back of the toilet bowl; you just don’t know how long you will be there.  Your name badge says trainee and your face says “when I serve you, you’re waiting twice as long because the guy next to me will be relayed all of your questions.” You are the middle man, customers laugh at you while you count their change. You’re the one stray olive in a salad bowl full of delicious lettuce (third bowl based reference, thanks guys we made it, I’d like to thank....)

Anyway now that you’re a trainee you can now start to realise that your managers aren’t normal people, if you’re in an office they laugh at Dilbert and find coffee interesting. If you’re in food retail they enjoy commercial radio at an unhealthy level, you will notice this when you know all the words to [insert new black eyed peas song] and start trying to convince yourself that Kings of Leon aren’t really that bad. Yep it’s like squinting at Sarah Jessica Parker, useless. You won’t start to feel human until you get a proper name tag and then it’s humanity at a high cost.

6.   Integration. Revelations.

You went ahead and took the blue pill, you’re in the matrix, you’ve slept with Trinity (you sick bastard,) you have work ‘friends’ who you hate. But you drink at the pub with them because they appear to have eaten your real friends. You’re in a vicious cycle; work took your daylight hours and made you tired in the night time ones. So you look at the losers you work with and realise that your becoming one of them, a loser. You know it’s all over when you go bowling with your manager and he pat’s you on the back in the gayest way possible, work took your sexuality, it gave you colossal goggles that make your ugly co-workers seem sexable. Yep you sexed Trinity and now you have to look at the pile of shit whenever you eat, also ‘she’ had a penis. Good luck with your new job... I hope your happy you miserable sod.

Perhaps now i am part of 'new media'

I see now what it takes to be a a j-blogger, I intentionally left the j un-capitalized because it highlights the cool informality of it all. We here at Rebel Yell, we have dipped our hand into the potentially enormous pot of gold that is the internet, blogosphere. Perhaps you were thinking, well I listen to these guys at home or in my car, but now i can read them 24 hours a day (content allowing). I hope you all realise the consequences of this, no longer is Rebel Yell stuck in this post world war 2 radio dust bucket. We are now trickling into your computer machines like so much liquid modernity. Don't be afraid, just stick your favorite body part through the hole in the wall and see what happens.