Rebel Yell Justice! Have you seen this man?

NAME: Jesus Christ

OFFENSES: Terrorism, Fraud, Stealing by receiving and being the leader of a gang conspiring to commit crimes against the Roman Government. 

In his last days Jesus was a paranoid captain of a sinking ship, his whole operation falling around him "one of you will betray me" he said wildly at the last feast of the famous thirteen. Judas, a former member of the group is now a state witness, "He was losing the plot, he thought we could bring the Government down in Jerusalem, I knew we were fucked, it was him or me." 

Jesus was amassing a serious following but made crucial errors by way of his ego. "The son of god? king of the Jews? it's like that Beatles thing" said a former follower. When Jesus was apprehended a whole garrison was required to take him in, only one soldier suffered injuries, loosing an ear in a scuffle with a close disciple of Jesus'. 

Jesus was tried not by the Roman Government but by his own people who found him guilty on all counts. He was Crucified. We didn't know who we were dealing with. In an oceans eleven style ruse, Jesus was given heart slowing medication before being removed from the cross by guards on the inside of his operation. After a time of rest he had the boulder removed from his tomb and escaped. He was reported floating up to the heavens some weeks later. Some few hundred years later he was seen again, this time in Rome, he is believed to have killed Emperor Constantine and posed as him converting the entire empire to his will. Without the support of their various pagan gods the Roman way of life collapsed. 

Jesus is still a threat to your way of life, he has more followers now than he ever did, his corruption can invade your sexual freedoms, your sense of humor, your right to party which the beastie boys career died for, if you know anything about him please phone us at Rebel, Rome, we will avenge you.

Jesus, you call that a miracle?

Jesus.

Some of you might know him from the bible, some of you might have seen him hanging from a wall in your local church but most of us know him from his 80's sitcom Hey, Jesus!

It was definitely a real show.

What did Jesus do?

Jesus, in his time with us on Earth, had some wacky adventures (watch Hey, Jesus! for more details) and on more than one occasion these began with or involved miracles. These weren't everyday 'bickering-couple-reconciles-for-child's-sake' or 'prostitute-sees-the-error-in-her-ways-and-becomes-a-lawyer' crap miracles, Jesus performed some pretty great miracles. This article will list 5 of his miracles that you might not know about.

I can't remember if I mentioned that he had heat-vision... anyway, he does.

What he did.

1. TURNS WATER INTO STEAM


Now everyone who watched Hey, Jesus! saw the episode when Jesus turned all the drinking water at his high school into wine, the scene when the Principal was drunk was a classic. 
It's a staple Jesus story, but little do people know before he was getting people drunk he was turning liquid water into a gas!
That's right, Jesus was turning regular everyday water into a hot mist using only a stove-top! It was Jesus' first big miracle but is often overlooked in place of number 2 on this list.

 You can't fake that.

2. TURNS WATER INTO ICE


Yes, another water based miracle, Jesus worked heavily with water early on in his career, it was kind of his shtick.
Jesus stunned and amazed the masses by taking a glass of fresh rain water and placing it in a freezer, a good few hours later it was frozen solid! Can you believe that? A lot of people at the time didn't, and assumed in the shows intermission, he was swapping out the water and replacing it with some pre-frozen ice. Many people were losing faith in him but this theory was debunked when someone sat and watched the whole thing, not leaving for a break once. The bored man confirmed it's validity and Jesus was again held in high regard.

 He may or may not have had anything to do with Ice-Cube.

3. FLOATS ON WATER


This was the predecessor to his walking on water miracle, and is an old favourite with many a fan, considered to be the best of his water miracles, though it was met with tragedy.
One warm morning Jesus waded his way into a lake, people slowly gathered as they new something was up. Jesus doggy paddled around a little and the to the amazement of the crowd, he spread his arms and legs and stayed afloat in the water. He laid on his back on the lake, bobbing with the ripples, where he remained for about a minute. On his return to the shore, people cheered and clapped him, Jesus took a bow and was thanking the people when someone cried out that there was a young boy attempting the float. Jesus spun around to see the boy flailing about.
"Noooooooooooooo!" Jesus yelled in slow motion, running back into the water, but it was too late, the boy had drowned. However it wasn't long until everybody forgot about the boy, and Jesus' miracle was celebrated further.

If only they had been watching the kid...

4. FINDS IMAGE OF SELF ON BURNT TOAST


One morning the small village of The Bible was woken to the sounds of Jesus yelling:
"Hey, come check this out!"
It was Jesus, so everyone did as ordered, no one wanted to miss the chance of another miracle. They were met with Jesus holding a slice of toast, which, upon further inspection, had an image of Jesus on it. It was amazing, everybody cheered, that is everybody but a small group of grouches who said that Jesus could of just scraped the picture onto the the toast with a knife. This caused a stir amongst fans, some believing he did, some not. It was his second controversial miracle. One accuser attempted to redraw the miracle toast picture but kept scraping off too much of the burnt bit and gave up saying:
"I guess it probably was a miracle."
And again, Jesus had all his fans back, they believed once more.

Actual Jesus toast, with a lamp behind it.

5. BEAT SKI-FREE


This is Jesus' third, final and most controversial miracle of all. Jesus finshed the (near) impossible game that is Ski-Free.
This miracle is so controversial as no one, other than Jesus, saw it happen. Now many people say it must be true, Jesus has no reason to lie, I mean he's turning water into ice for goodness sakes. Jesus says:
"Near the end I was going real quick and I hit a ramp right near the end and got over the yeti."
Seems legit enough, but some conspiracy theorists say that there isn't a jump near the yeti and the speed attainable on the slopes isn't sufficient to out run the Yeti.
So no one truly knows the legitimacy of this miracle, you just have to make up your own mind.

 What? You gonna say I didn't win? Look at this crown.

And there you have it, five miracles of Jesus you probably didn't even know.


Rebel Yell - Faiths and Pantheons Dept.

That guy.

Everyone knows 'that guy', he's the one who always takes it too far in every situation.

See, you've now just realized that you know a 'that guy'. 

"Fucksake, I just wanted a light"

Whether it be to start throwing punches in a wrestle, abuse a stranger or break a controller, 'that' guy' always takes it too far, anything you or someone normal has done and been silently deemed ok, or even maybe laughed at, 'that guy' see's it as his opportunity to increase his 'cool' standings within the group, but inevitably he takes things too far by instead of celebrating their winning hand in poker by cheering, they'll flip the table, break a window and take of their shirt, which has quite the opposite effect to had what they'd wanted to achieve, thus making them more 'un-cool' than not, which they will again try to get out of by taking something else to far. It's a vicious circle.

The mind of 'that guy' is a strange thing he see's victory in everything to be a step which he must climb to be cool, failure is something he can turn into a victory if he jokingly get's angry at his opponents and everyone has a laugh at how great 'that guy' is.

Unfortunately in reality his victory at all costs approach involves beating women and children at things like arm wrestling, eating more of something than anyone and spewing everywhere and loud abuse and/or touching you annoyingly until you give up. His ability to take things too far shines when ever he loses because in failure no one really thinks headbutting your opponent, smashing the tv and throwing the card deck out the window is all that funny but 'that guy' will do it anyway.

So if you're 'that guy' please think before you punch your keyboard or burp in someones face, that's actually HINDERING your chances of being liked.

But who am I kidding, you won't listen to this, anybody who's that guy is in worse denial than holocaust deniers.

And anybody who knows a 'that guy' (I know you all do) i'm sorry, but there's nothing short of rat poison tea and dumping the body in the ocean that can be done.

This just in: Jesus Clash

Jesus Christs scheduled return to earth in 2012 has clashed with that of the Mayan predicted 'end of the world'. It's feared that the 'end of the world as we know it', as sung by R.E.M, will over shadow the famous prophets return.

"I'm pretty pissed off about the whole thing." Said the holy carpenter.

"I've had this tour planned for thousands of years now, but I guess there's some things you just can't plan for."
Despite the expected destruction of earth, the son of God has stated he will not be canceling any of his shows.

"I just can't let my fans down." Said Jesus. It was said to be Christs most ambitious return yet, bigger and better than his last. However with the world nearing it's end many people are unsure whether of  not they'll be able to attend the return, or even be alive.

"I don't think I can make it," Says Joe, a local merchant.

"The planets impending doom has just filled up my schedule and at the same time made it redundant." Joe's words seem to echo that of the general public.

"As this is my second return, I think the whole 'difficult second return' rule is in effect, " Joked the Messiah.

"I'm just hoping for some kind of miracle."

- Rebel News.