Physics 2.0©

Are you sick and tired of the old saying 'what goes up must come down'?

Do you wish every action didn't have such an equal and opposite reaction?

Have you ever tried to disobey the Laws of Motion?

Well have no fear!

Physics 2.0© is here!

Rebel Yell scientists have just created Physics 2.0©! We had our scientists slaving away over warm beakers and reasonably cool microscopes and in a matter of minutes (and one 80's future themed montage later) Physics 2.0© was born.

(Mostly synth with a touch of sax)

"Sure, but how does it help me?" I hear you scream. Well Physics 2.0© is here to help you by making what some old fuddy duddies have deemed impossible!

 I'm looking at YOU, Newton.

Originally the scientists set out to create a gun with zero recoil, but it wasn't long into their research that it was deemed "impossible" under the suffocating laws of physics, set in place by the scholars of old.

This might of been a problem for a lesser nation, a weaker nation, a nation without moustaches and suspenders but it certainly wasn't a problem for Rebel Yell.

Our science team had a quick brainstorming session including mind maps, power point presentations, the lot.

It was then they came up with the idea of disposing of the out-of-date laws of physics and  made up their own.

 "Any ideas?"

 So, the impossible is now possible.

And again, Rebel Yell Nation has bucked the trend, said no to conformity, and done what we want.

Enjoy, 

- The Rebel Yell Science and Kite Surfing dept.

Deep Space Rebel (Yell)

 How the Rebel Yell Nation got into Space 

(and what we did there.)

Space, deep space.
Millions of galaxy, trillions of stars (give or take).
And a lone Spaceship, The Redel.

It's called The Redel because, well long story short, there was some miscommunication between us and the painters, we didn't have time to repaint, so it stuck.

Also we forgot to take a picture pre-take off, this is all we have:

I was like "Take it with the camera sideways, so you get a taller picture!" And he's all "Nah, this'll be right."

So I will give you a quick description of The Redel.

It was as phallic in nature, as it was in spirit. Two large spherical boosters on back, a long shaft-like, cylindrical body, and a hemisphere cock-pit at the front.

But there was nothing funny about this ship, (aside from it's resemblance to a cock) as it was extremely powerful and capable of the impossible light-speed. It could thrust through the vagina of space with precision and ease.

The Rebel Yell Space Program

Rebel Yell's space program is the one of the most expensive, extensive and expansive.

It has already begun moon colonization, and The Redel is the first deep space explorer craft ever.

The program was founded after The Superkings were persuaded (see; conned) into buying some moon property. Not long after, they realised the futility of this newly purchased land, and began The Rebel Yell Space Program, to make some use of their moon property, which they almost have. And with that the program continues to grow each and everyday.

 Rebel Yell owns pretty much that section.

What about The Redel?

The Redel has been exploring deep space for 5 years now, which might sound strange considering they were only launched 1 year ago. During their exploration they came across a 'ReTardis', which according to their explanation was a giant old English phone box, which they flew the ship straight into and re-emerged at the same place but 4 years earlier.

Having the power to go at warp speed has increased the possibilities of space exploration infinitely.

So The Redel has many a story. That of other life forms, amazing worlds, other cool stuff.

All of which will be revealed in the Blog series - The Redel.

So look out for it.

The Rebel Yell Space Program.

Hell ain't a bad place!

 So, you're thinking about going to hell?

 A helpful brochure brought to you by Hell and Rebel Yell.

Hell, everyone’s heard of hell, it’s where you burn for your sins, and you're tortured for eternity, also there’s heaps of fire!

Welcome!

Well despite what you’ve heard, Hell ain’t a bad place!

Hell gets a bad wrap, and no body wants to go there anymore, that’s why The Dark Lord, Satan, Beelzebub, Lucifer, Old Hob, The Prince of Darkness himself has decided to give the Underworld an image reboot!

A little known fact is that Ridley Scott's Legend is a perfect depiction of Satan.

 Frequently Asked Stuff:

“Working off my sins in eternal hell fire for all eternity sounds terrible!”

Well, that’s the old hell, now the forced labor works just like a full-time job on earth! You earn holidays, work steady hours and have recess and lunch breaks! (Overtime optional)

Now I can work off my sins and have a personal life!

 “Wow! But what about all the fire, is that still there, I hate the heat!”

Yes, the fire’s still there, but we now have Fujitsu Air Conditioners, Hell’s favourite air!
So the prettiness and illumination of the flame still remains, while you work at a comfortable temperature!

 Note: Fujitsu has no association with Hell or Rebel Yell whatsoever

“Hmm, sounds too good to be true, is there TV?”

Of course!
Featuring programs like:  

Cooking with the Antichrist
Two’s Company, Three’s Hell! 
Hey, Jesus! 
and 
The View!

 Ok, there is still a little bit of torture in Hell.

“I can’t wait to go to Hell! But what about my birthday?”

Funny you should ask, ever heard the expression ‘War is Hell’?
Well now it can be in one of five themed party rooms for birthdays and anniversaries!

The themes being:

War
Underwater (Satan’s personal favourite)
Prison
Post-Apocalyptic
and
Outer Space

Satan just can't get enough of the Underwater Theme Room!

“Sound’s great, I love Hell!”

Great stuff, kid!

What else can I do?

There are so many activities that you can participate in during your days off and spare time!

You can ‘burn’ off those extra pounds in the Hellfire Gym.

Play a selection of your favourite sports and recreate in the Sport and Recreation Area.

And so much more!

So next time you’re thinking about repenting on your deathbed, remember this pamphlet and consider coming ‘down town’ to The Underworld.

Hell, it’s where all the cool people go when they die!


_____

Jesus, you call that a miracle?

Jesus.

Some of you might know him from the bible, some of you might have seen him hanging from a wall in your local church but most of us know him from his 80's sitcom Hey, Jesus!

It was definitely a real show.

What did Jesus do?

Jesus, in his time with us on Earth, had some wacky adventures (watch Hey, Jesus! for more details) and on more than one occasion these began with or involved miracles. These weren't everyday 'bickering-couple-reconciles-for-child's-sake' or 'prostitute-sees-the-error-in-her-ways-and-becomes-a-lawyer' crap miracles, Jesus performed some pretty great miracles. This article will list 5 of his miracles that you might not know about.

I can't remember if I mentioned that he had heat-vision... anyway, he does.

What he did.

1. TURNS WATER INTO STEAM


Now everyone who watched Hey, Jesus! saw the episode when Jesus turned all the drinking water at his high school into wine, the scene when the Principal was drunk was a classic. 
It's a staple Jesus story, but little do people know before he was getting people drunk he was turning liquid water into a gas!
That's right, Jesus was turning regular everyday water into a hot mist using only a stove-top! It was Jesus' first big miracle but is often overlooked in place of number 2 on this list.

 You can't fake that.

2. TURNS WATER INTO ICE


Yes, another water based miracle, Jesus worked heavily with water early on in his career, it was kind of his shtick.
Jesus stunned and amazed the masses by taking a glass of fresh rain water and placing it in a freezer, a good few hours later it was frozen solid! Can you believe that? A lot of people at the time didn't, and assumed in the shows intermission, he was swapping out the water and replacing it with some pre-frozen ice. Many people were losing faith in him but this theory was debunked when someone sat and watched the whole thing, not leaving for a break once. The bored man confirmed it's validity and Jesus was again held in high regard.

 He may or may not have had anything to do with Ice-Cube.

3. FLOATS ON WATER


This was the predecessor to his walking on water miracle, and is an old favourite with many a fan, considered to be the best of his water miracles, though it was met with tragedy.
One warm morning Jesus waded his way into a lake, people slowly gathered as they new something was up. Jesus doggy paddled around a little and the to the amazement of the crowd, he spread his arms and legs and stayed afloat in the water. He laid on his back on the lake, bobbing with the ripples, where he remained for about a minute. On his return to the shore, people cheered and clapped him, Jesus took a bow and was thanking the people when someone cried out that there was a young boy attempting the float. Jesus spun around to see the boy flailing about.
"Noooooooooooooo!" Jesus yelled in slow motion, running back into the water, but it was too late, the boy had drowned. However it wasn't long until everybody forgot about the boy, and Jesus' miracle was celebrated further.

If only they had been watching the kid...

4. FINDS IMAGE OF SELF ON BURNT TOAST


One morning the small village of The Bible was woken to the sounds of Jesus yelling:
"Hey, come check this out!"
It was Jesus, so everyone did as ordered, no one wanted to miss the chance of another miracle. They were met with Jesus holding a slice of toast, which, upon further inspection, had an image of Jesus on it. It was amazing, everybody cheered, that is everybody but a small group of grouches who said that Jesus could of just scraped the picture onto the the toast with a knife. This caused a stir amongst fans, some believing he did, some not. It was his second controversial miracle. One accuser attempted to redraw the miracle toast picture but kept scraping off too much of the burnt bit and gave up saying:
"I guess it probably was a miracle."
And again, Jesus had all his fans back, they believed once more.

Actual Jesus toast, with a lamp behind it.

5. BEAT SKI-FREE


This is Jesus' third, final and most controversial miracle of all. Jesus finshed the (near) impossible game that is Ski-Free.
This miracle is so controversial as no one, other than Jesus, saw it happen. Now many people say it must be true, Jesus has no reason to lie, I mean he's turning water into ice for goodness sakes. Jesus says:
"Near the end I was going real quick and I hit a ramp right near the end and got over the yeti."
Seems legit enough, but some conspiracy theorists say that there isn't a jump near the yeti and the speed attainable on the slopes isn't sufficient to out run the Yeti.
So no one truly knows the legitimacy of this miracle, you just have to make up your own mind.

 What? You gonna say I didn't win? Look at this crown.

And there you have it, five miracles of Jesus you probably didn't even know.


Rebel Yell - Faiths and Pantheons Dept.

Meat! a few things you may not have known!!!

Once upon a time meat was unknown to the average Joe, like fulfilled election promises it remained but a rarity, a romantic idea that few ever saw become reality.  The history of how meat came crashing down onto the peoples plates in a bloody and glorious mess is an epic tale of revolution, both political and industrial.

Chicken Nuggets

You might have even forgotten about them but don’t worry they are here to stay.

Once upon a time chicken was spread uselessly around the bones of stupid and weak flightless birds such as chickens. It was Sir Adam McNugget, in 1805, who had the idea of compressing this ridiculous animal in to manageable bite sized holocaust. The story goes that when Sir McNugget thought it would be funny to put his most disliked factory laborer’s hand in some machinery it tore it into chunks that were easy to consume. The poor and starving laborer would testify to this later having been interviewed years after.  ‘I didn’t have any food, and there were these bits of my hand, slightly cooked by the machinery, it didn’t even matter that it consisted mainly of veins and pulpy flesh, in fact, that’s where all the charm was,’.

Sir McNugget immediately changed his Victorian chimney sweep factory into a streamlined chicken slaughter-fest, the rest as they say… is history.

Parmigiana

The story of how an Italian sauce found itself vomited upon ever corner pub side walk in the world.

It was when Sicilian born Salvatore Parmigiana killed all five of his thoroughly annoying sisters that he was sentenced to 3 weeks in prison, a sentence that he served four days of before making parole. Upon returning to his family home he saw that nobody had cooked him dinner, his mother was sick and the other women were dead. Having no experience in cooking he immediately killed every animal on the family farm as he could not decide which one would taste best, also he was Sicilian. After chopping each animal up into manageable sizes he poured a combination of canned tomato, garlic and cheese on top. When the police chief popped in, as he often did, he was invited to choose from chicken, beef or state witness Parmigiana. The rest as they say… is history.

Fish.

A chilling example of what can happen if all food came from the sea.

The fish is a cruel mistress, one minute it’s beer battered and sitting next to a soon to be tipped vat of salt, the next it’s standing in the way of your burger on good Friday, daring you to defy its indecipherable tradition. But few people know that fish comes from the sea, a place where, as far as our research can tell, has little in the way of cattle or guiness. Fish can also be found in Sushi but our research has also shown that you can’t enjoy sushi unless you are female or a male that wears a scarf.

The Burger

Scientists aren’t the only thing pilfered from Germany by the U.S

Everybody knows that the Third Reich was developing Hamburgers from the late 20s but the technology was impotent without American based sauce technology. When Professor Von Straussengerman fled war time Germany to escape prosecution at the hands of rationing. Hitler had ordered that only so much meat be allocated to warm sandwich based research, knowing his life’s research could be destroyed the professor contacted MI6. Immediately recognizing the potential power of such a device MI6 had him flown to a secret research centre in the U.S. When the burger hit American shelves the war was virtually over for the axis powers not having realized the commercial potential of such a thing.

More to follow!

Diaries of a Paragoomba.

 Griswald Junior's Diary
The Diary of a Paragoomba.

September 20th, 1988: 
     It's my first day at the B.A.T.C.G.D. That's the Bowser's Army Training Camp: Goomba Division. I've always wanted to be in the army, like my father, Griswald, who unfortunately was killed in action. Hit with a stray Koopa Troopa shell. It feels good to be here though, serving my overlord.

     Today we were all run through an obstacle course and given a bunch of forms to fill out. I wonder which division i'll be put in, they said we'd find out tomorrow, I can't wait to find out. I hope they put me in the Paragoomba squad, just like Dad.



September 20th, 1988:
     YES! I've been selected for the Paragoomba division. Father would be so proud. Tomorrow we get our wings and we begin our training course. All of the Para division are now together in the same barracks, i've met a couple cool Goomba's already. The goomba I share a bunk with is Gerhard, he's from Ice Land. He's nice but his Goomish is a little broken, it's pretty funny. Most of the other Goomba's are from Grass Land like me, but there's a couple from Pipe Land and Water Land too.



September 21st, 1988:
     I got my wings today, they're awesome. A couple of the goomb's have already started giving their wings a personal touch, for example Gary, he's a fast talking cool goomb from Grass Land, has drawn a naked Goomba girl on his wings with the words 'light brown and comin' down' underneath. I don't really get it, but it probably means something to him. Oh and the Sarge is a real hard-ass, but he's good at what he does.

October 3rd, 1988: 
     We've been training for nearly 2 weeks now, it's tougher than i'd imagined, but i'm keeping up great. We're doing lots of drops and jumps, i'm almost best in our group, though Gerhard is a little better, but I don't let him know that. The Sarge is giving all of us greif, but i'm sure he's proud of our progress.

The Sarge and I, running some drills.

October 6th, 1988:
     We'v all just been given notice that we will be serving as early as next month. It's a little frightening, I mean, we've not even had 3 weeks training, but if the sarge thinks we're up to it, I guess we must be. The other guys are a bit nervous too, Gerhard was just telling me the other day about how he's just had a kid with his new wife, Gerri, and that when he leaves the army he was gonna be a photographer. We've got a a couple weeks of hard training ahead of us, but i'm ready for it.

Some of Gerhard's artsy photography

October 16th, 1988:

      It turns out that we're leaving for duty in just one week! None of us expected this, not even the sarge, but we're now just learning about our objective, and what we've got to do. We're gonna be on patrol in a small area of Desert Land, near one of Bowser's castles. Word is that... Mario... is planning on heading through there soon. Just writing his name makes me so mad, because of him my father is dead. This is why I really joined the army. Revenge.

October 22nd, 1988:

     We're all packed up and ready to get on the plane tomorrow, we haven't had much time to prepare but we're ready.

October 23rd, 1988:

     Ok, we jump out of the plane in about 1 hour, so this'll be my last entry till we set up a command post after patrol, i'm ready to kick some Mario arse...

_____________________________________

Ivan Canright's First Book!

A brand new author, Ivan Canright, straight out of year 10 English has published his first full length short story 'The tale of a man with a flower in his breast pocket' with Rebel Yell Publishing.


Here is an excerpt from Canright's first piece.


"The man stood quite still on the side of the old English cobbled road, he was wearing a brownish, grey fedora hat which sat atop his mousy brown hair that wasn't quite shoulder length but nearly was, also it was a little bit curly, more wavy if anything. His shirt was an off white, possibly due to it's age, as it was quite an old shirt, and it had a breast pocket, this breast pocket contained a small white flower, it wasn't all that obvious as it was almost the same colour as the shirt on which it resided. He was also wearing pants, they were normal.
The man, who's name wasn't very interesting, saw a woman. The woman was wearing..."

- I. Canright 

With blazing reviews such as;

"Ivan is always on time and never missed a class" - Mr. Smope, Maths Teacher

"He has an adequate grasp on the english language and always approached creative writing with enthusiasm" - Mr. Bell, English Teacher

"I'm not sure what you're getting at..." -  Dan Brown, Pillock, "Author"



A story full of overly explained, unnecessary sentences with very little actual substance, a classic year 10 creative writing masterpiece.


Don't miss out! Buy this full length short story today!
Only $35.99 from all small family owned, local bookstores.

An album made just for you!

THAT’S right kids! Rebel yell has entered the music industry, and have we got some offers for you!
Do we?
Yes.
Rebel Yell Records will tailor an album based on your life for just $69.99! Here’s a startling review of the album about you that’s making headlines around this blog!

“Well to start with the centrepiece of the album, that eight minute epic about the first time you had sex was just brilliant, I mean before that it was mainly solos, this became depressing after a while. Oh except for that duet with your uncle... that was just weird.”

Wow looks like your life is messed up! Makes for a good album though!

An Album about You! $69.99

A brand new horror/romance to distract teenage girls with!

Rebel Yell is proud to announce its first teen novel!

Beyond the Grey Cave is a shocking and modern masterpiece that highlights the difficulties of teen romance.

When Stacy Green falls in love with a strikingly hansom vampire bat she knows she will not be accepted by her friends and family. But the forbidden couple realise that true love can never cave in.

"Stacy ran ridiculously towards Frankie the bat, this startled him so he flew away. Stacy was sick of this hard to get routine, she just wanted Frankie, even though he was a bat, she did't care.

"I don't care." She stated to herself quietly but with speech marks anyway.

One thing was for sure, her sewing and cake baking would have to take a side line, in fact she had no time for anything that teenage girls like doing, she was too in love with Frankie. 

Beyond the Grey Cave $29.99

Choose your own adventure!

Rebel Yell publishing is proud to announce it's latest master piece!
The Ghost in the Upside Down House on the Hill. A chilling choose your own adventure novel that will have you flipping back and forth in enthusiastic fear.

"You look down the corridor, there are several lighting fixtures coming up from the ground, this is because the house is upside down. Suddenly a ghost starts moving gradually towards you."
If you pull out your crucifix and attempt an exorcism turn to page 153.
If you tell the ghost to do it to your friend Julia turn the George Orwell's 1984
If you suddenly realise you are impervious to ghost venom turn to page 3.
If you duck to the door on your left turn to page 56.


Chilling stuff! Be careful though each choice has dire consequences!!
The Ghost in the Upside Down House on the Hill $29.99

R-MART products that save you money!

New R-Mart products to keep you content in your studies/desk job/prison cell.

Are your emotions getting the better of you?
why not try our new Emo-Bottle, it works like a genie except you put your wishes IN and they never come out again!
 Is your desk job making you want to put a hole punch to your throat? Why not put that feeling in a bottle and kind of forget about it?
Do you like a fellow student but have a small penis/infected vagina? why not put your love in this bottle until it festers into some kind of psychological disorder that plagues you in your sleep?
The Emo-Bottle keeping your feelings... away. $67.99

Rebel Yell Studies

A recent Rebel Yell Study has shown that shit does not in fact "roll down hill". It is more likely to either sit exactly where it has landed or slide down the hill a bit like lava, depending on the solidity of the waste. So next time your boss gives you crap make him/her drink it back up in a TB cocktail. mm yum

One of our talented scientists has discovered that "the straw the broke the camels back" was actually filled with a dark matter like substance. It was also a curly straw and was filled with thick shake at the time.

The fact that an elephant never forgets is irrelevant as it is not intelligent enough to recall any interesting facts that it can spill out at parties without provocation.

People who say "the burgers ARE actually better at hungry jacks," are actually terrorists.

One can be restless even after hours and hours of nothing but rest. This test was completed by STU himself.

This just in: Jesus Clash

Jesus Christs scheduled return to earth in 2012 has clashed with that of the Mayan predicted 'end of the world'. It's feared that the 'end of the world as we know it', as sung by R.E.M, will over shadow the famous prophets return.

"I'm pretty pissed off about the whole thing." Said the holy carpenter.

"I've had this tour planned for thousands of years now, but I guess there's some things you just can't plan for."
Despite the expected destruction of earth, the son of God has stated he will not be canceling any of his shows.

"I just can't let my fans down." Said Jesus. It was said to be Christs most ambitious return yet, bigger and better than his last. However with the world nearing it's end many people are unsure whether of  not they'll be able to attend the return, or even be alive.

"I don't think I can make it," Says Joe, a local merchant.

"The planets impending doom has just filled up my schedule and at the same time made it redundant." Joe's words seem to echo that of the general public.

"As this is my second return, I think the whole 'difficult second return' rule is in effect, " Joked the Messiah.

"I'm just hoping for some kind of miracle."

- Rebel News.

Some new rules..

The formation of the Rebel Yell’s glorious state has been a long time in the making, but our glorious leader assures you that everything is going to plan and us under control. He would also like to inform you of the following changes.

1.       City Hall is now to be referred to as Stu and Azza’s Hall of infinite super glory

2.       ABC’s Hungry Beast is now to be referred to as The Hungry Beast that eats everyone else’s jokes and digests them as their own shit.

3.       Recycled opinions are now illegal under our glorious revolution; everyone’s dialogue will be recorded and cross referenced against A Current Affair, Oprah, First year university texts and Hungry Beast. If your opinions are a replicate of these without accompanying independent thought and reasoning you will be asked to stop ‘reckoning’ things and grow a personality.

4.       Room 101 is undergoing maintenance, until further notice room 101 services can be found online at our government website, follow the prompts and please remember that we are watching.

Another bloggin blog

You're probably reading this thinking "Hey, this is Rebel Yell's third blog based blog! What a gip, i'm going to stop reading this right now." Well there's not much I can really do to sway you now because if you're a person of your word you aren't reading this, but if you are then your a pathetic liar, or you weren't thinking the said thought, in which case, i'll continue.

Sure, blogging is an easy way to get your views and opinions out there but blogging is also the future. It's the way forward in all things written (also pictures). As a self described wordsmith, dreamweaver, prophet and comedic genius, blogging is the best way for Rebel Yell to share our lives and humorous anecdotes to the greater public, the clued in individuals who are all 'hooked up' with the web and all 'with it' in regards to blogs, vlogs and youtube logs, and that's why Rebel Yell blogs, but mostly because it's easy.

We here at Rebel Yell do realise that their are lot of blogs out their that just don't deliver when in comes to entertainment, which is why we strive (and then deliver, but not necessarily in that order) to bring you the cutting edge of internet writing with our edutainment, laugh-as-you-learn system.

I bet you didn't know that up to 500% of blogs are statistically incorrect, but not Rebel Yell, we guarantee the truth, because the truth hurts and what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and with strength comes power and with power comes great responsibility and...well I kind of lost my train of thought.

I can't make any promises that our future blogs won't be about blogging itself but I can promise that it won't. I know you'll keep reading our blogs, I can see it in your eyes, yes, that dead pixel on your screen is a microscopic spy camera, don't worry, I don't watch you all the time.

So, just to wrap it up, we'll be bringing you more hilarious blogs with many 'Ah yeah, that's totally true!' moments that i'm sure you'll become a fan of on Facebook.  'See' you next time.

Cheers, Rebel Yell.

The Quest for Employment

1.   Applying

The resume run is dead, trust me as soon as you give it to the teenage chick behind the counter to pass on to the manager you have resigned yourself to silent ridicule as you walk out the door. She will probably take it home and laugh at it with her friends; they think your resume sucks.

If you have sun burnt eyes and have typed your email address out 76 times today it is likely you’re applying for jobs online , or subscribing to paid surveys.

Are you perhaps a registered nurse? No? A doctor in engineering... of the heart? Well I doubt your having much luck, mm that call centre looks good, i’ll just go ahead and upload my resume... oh you want me to put in just a few details first?

Name

Surname

Nickname

Dogs name

Several stealth questions about your sexuality

Everything on your resume

Now you can upload the useless SOB.  Wait two weeks for resume to be processed before you get a wonderfully personal response.

We appreciate your interest in the position, as the number of applications for this job are huge we would appreciate it if you just chill out while we do absolutely nothing with your application.

Sincerely (yes a computer can be sincere) Mr. Corporate Douche

2.   Phone interviews

“Hello is Mr.Smith there?”

“Why yes that’s me how can I help?”

“Hi this is Janet from Job That You Applied For Inc, would now be a good time for a brief phone interview?”

“Oh... Sure” of course it’s the worst possible moment for a phone interview, you had a more than generous serving of liquorice curry last night and your stranded on the shitter without a sustainable supply of toilet roll.  You can’t tell them it’s not a good time, if you let them go now it’s back to step one where you have the same chances as the rest of those chumps in the testicle like sperm pool that is unemployment. You’re the lucky one, don’t blow it.  So now you have to convince some human recourses cow that you’re the right person for this job.  Good luck because chances are your shit on the phone, a  recent and unofficial survey by the Rebel Yell research team found that most people speak in a ridiculous high voice on the phone and also act 50% more surprised than in normal situations.

She can hear you pooing by the way.

3.   Group interviews.

This can be fun if you a sick minded freak like Kevin spacey in the movie 7even. This is what employers who think they are hip like to do to for their entertainment, its like putting all of the applicants in the coliseum.  Fight!

Rule 1: Don’t arrive early, it’s like a party not a normal interview, if you’re the first guy there you’re the guy the managers see first. Yes they are scrutinising you the longest. They hate you.

Rule 2. Don’t be the second person there, you will have to talk to the first guy and the managers hate him.

Rule 3: Once you have arrived (be the fourth person,) size up everyone else, look at that douche he is wearing a tie when nobody else is! Don’t be that guy. Check out all the other potentials, be quick to spot the joker, he will be talking to the nearest chick, most likely the frantic teen who finds him hilarious. Don’t sit near him once you are let in, his jokes will turn to sucky shit once the managers are present trust me.

Rule 4: Oh shit they are making you do a role play and you’re teamed up with the 50 year old man who appears to have walked in off the street but its okay because you can knock your partner out of the competition. Make them feel and look wrong footed, do something different to what you organised with the other person. They will stammer and look like a git.

Rule 5: And now it hits you... get out of there! You’re applying for a job with the kind of people that think group interviews are a good idea! Don’t stick around to shake the mangers hand, get out and don’t look back.

4.   The personal interview (Like Blade Runner but faster)

Like the group interview you may see other applicants here, size them up while you’re waiting, they seem to have brought folders for their CVs. What insecure dicks. Don’t carry your resume’s around, because if your interviewer  sees them they will see it the same way your partner would if she was to catch you in town with a bunch of hookers on your arm. If you don’t hang hundreds out of your fly, don’t hang resumes out of a folder. Ok it’s your turn to go in.

Shake hands; awkwardly stand until you think its okay to sit.

“So what qualifies you for this position?”

A: My incredibly generic resume

B: Jesus it’s walking dogs, i do that in my sleep... well half of it anyway

C: Well I think that in my past role as a bullshit artist I learnt that whatever the task given, one can always get through... the task... if you.. Try?

D:  Position? I’ll sue you you sick prick!

Okay so you have somehow managed to stumble through that.

“HR will be in contact with you shortly” says the interviewer, either with a warm smile and eye contact or with deliberate avoidance of eye contact and absent minded flicking of pages. Now you wait for the call if you get one it means you have the job! Hooray! If you don’t it means you didn’t, unless you get a different job, then you will get a call informing you of your success. Convenient.

5.   Induction, Probationary period... you’re the bitch.

You’re the goldfish in the bowl; you have been selected in wild excitement and are set up to dissolution your new owners like ...a goldfish. You’re on minimum wage and enjoy as much permanency as that poo stain on the back of the toilet bowl; you just don’t know how long you will be there.  Your name badge says trainee and your face says “when I serve you, you’re waiting twice as long because the guy next to me will be relayed all of your questions.” You are the middle man, customers laugh at you while you count their change. You’re the one stray olive in a salad bowl full of delicious lettuce (third bowl based reference, thanks guys we made it, I’d like to thank....)

Anyway now that you’re a trainee you can now start to realise that your managers aren’t normal people, if you’re in an office they laugh at Dilbert and find coffee interesting. If you’re in food retail they enjoy commercial radio at an unhealthy level, you will notice this when you know all the words to [insert new black eyed peas song] and start trying to convince yourself that Kings of Leon aren’t really that bad. Yep it’s like squinting at Sarah Jessica Parker, useless. You won’t start to feel human until you get a proper name tag and then it’s humanity at a high cost.

6.   Integration. Revelations.

You went ahead and took the blue pill, you’re in the matrix, you’ve slept with Trinity (you sick bastard,) you have work ‘friends’ who you hate. But you drink at the pub with them because they appear to have eaten your real friends. You’re in a vicious cycle; work took your daylight hours and made you tired in the night time ones. So you look at the losers you work with and realise that your becoming one of them, a loser. You know it’s all over when you go bowling with your manager and he pat’s you on the back in the gayest way possible, work took your sexuality, it gave you colossal goggles that make your ugly co-workers seem sexable. Yep you sexed Trinity and now you have to look at the pile of shit whenever you eat, also ‘she’ had a penis. Good luck with your new job... I hope your happy you miserable sod.

Perhaps now i am part of 'new media'

I see now what it takes to be a a j-blogger, I intentionally left the j un-capitalized because it highlights the cool informality of it all. We here at Rebel Yell, we have dipped our hand into the potentially enormous pot of gold that is the internet, blogosphere. Perhaps you were thinking, well I listen to these guys at home or in my car, but now i can read them 24 hours a day (content allowing). I hope you all realise the consequences of this, no longer is Rebel Yell stuck in this post world war 2 radio dust bucket. We are now trickling into your computer machines like so much liquid modernity. Don't be afraid, just stick your favorite body part through the hole in the wall and see what happens.

So this is blogging...

Welcome everyone, to Rebel Yell's first blog. Having conquered the radio waves with our success on local Hobartian radio station Edge Radio, we thought it was time to expand our reaches into the media and what better way to start than the largest media-medium in the world, the internet. Now I know what you're all thinking; How do you find the time to write spectacularly hilarious radio pieces and host the funniest and most informative radio show on air? Well, to be honest it's a struggle, in fact the current time is 3.46am. Most men and/or women would be asleep, resting their bodies and dreaming sweet dreams, Rebel Yell is wide awake, slaving over a warmish lap top blanced carefully on ones knee, providing you, the reader, the people, the future with entertainment and essential life advice.

So get ready and stay tuned for Rebel Yell blogs. With all the genius, wit and splendour of the radio show only text based and on the intenet.

 Cheers.