A chilling look into the situation of homelessness in Australian cities.

So you’re on the run from the government! This means you have..

A:  Uncovered the Australian government’s dark secret regarding Mafia Wars, the game we all know and love from Facebook.

B: Been slingshoting your way around the nation’s capital with a combination of grapple and parachute.

C: found out the truth about boat people (they are actually a sentient race of boats)

D:  Discovered that the new porn blocker is just a questionnaire. (Are you a paedophile? if yes please select yes)

We all know that by now you should have donned a foil hat, this is common knowledge. We don’t want those satellites zooming in on your brainwaves man. But there are further requirements.

ROLL IN SOME MUD.

Nobody will take you seriously unless you look like you have been fighting for your life, if your in clean clothes and smell nice people will not think you authentic, you are running from the government here, blend in.

DON’T BUY ANYTHING

You can’t risk buying food over the counter; you can find discarded food in bins and at food courts. You will require alcohol to keep you warm however, send someone in to buy it for you, make sure you call them sonny Jim or they won’t do you this favour.

TELL EVERYONE ABOUT YOUR STORY

You need to spread the word but stopping people and telling them is too inefficient, why not just tell your story on loop while walking down the street to nobody in particular, this way heaps of people will get a snippet of your story. Also make sure you mumble it, this will intrigue listeners and you will draw them in.

PUBLIC TRANSPORT IS SAFE FROM SATELITES

A good method to avoid capture is to hop on a bus or tram and ride it all day without getting off, remember to sit next to someone even if there are free seats, offer them your story but make sure you start with the middle of your story otherwise they won’t understand.

GROW YOUR FACIAL HAIR

Nothing is more welcoming than a full beard, whether you are male or female you can’t go wrong, government spies won’t recognise you.

GOD IS ON YOUR SIDE

Remember to bless those who listen to you and give you change. You need to raise money for your cause and if you don’t bless them with god’s protection they will fall prey to the evils of the government.

I hope this advice leads you safely from the darkness of the government, all there is to say now is good luck and godless you sonny Jim.

A brand new detective novel!

Rebel Yell is proud to announce yet another thrilling publication!
The Streets are melancholy  is an exiting piece of detective fiction !

It was a hot day in New Yorksburg, oppressively hot, so hot that all of the nineteen fifties people considered briefly wearing something other than suits and gangster hats. But they kept on wearing them anyway, it’s really important that you grasp that it’s hot. The fan in Dirk Doyle’s private eye office was straining to keep up with the hot, hot heat; it was somehow in the way of the light so it had a similar lighting effect as on a Ridley Scott film. Dirk was chewing on a cigar, or a toothpick, it was probably too hot to smoke. There was a knock on the door, from the other side of the door than Dirk so dirk couldn’t see who it was. It was an attractive woman, he saw this when she walked in, which she did sexily.

‘Are you Doyle?’ she asked.

‘Who wants to know?’

‘Me.’

‘And who are you?’

‘I’m Winona Kidman, I want you to follow my husband.’

‘If he’s anywhere near as sexy as you it looks like we have a case,’

So Dirk went to the woman’s husbands house, luckily he was getting in his car, which was green but that old kind of green that used to be in kitchens. Dirk followed him, there were some tense moments involving hiding his face behind a news-paper and standing next to a pole in the way that he became invisible to the followee. Soon Dirk followed until they arrived at a large warehouse, the kind for storing large boxes in. Dirk pulled out a cigarette and stuffed it into his pipe, he then loaded his revolver. Suddenly there was a knock on his car window. It was a bad guy, they fought after Dirk somehow got out of the car, Dirk won and extracted valuable information from the bad guy after some typically macho banter. 

Wow! This is so good that we can only sell a limited amount of copies!! buy now! $19.99

That guy.

Everyone knows 'that guy', he's the one who always takes it too far in every situation.

See, you've now just realized that you know a 'that guy'. 

"Fucksake, I just wanted a light"

Whether it be to start throwing punches in a wrestle, abuse a stranger or break a controller, 'that' guy' always takes it too far, anything you or someone normal has done and been silently deemed ok, or even maybe laughed at, 'that guy' see's it as his opportunity to increase his 'cool' standings within the group, but inevitably he takes things too far by instead of celebrating their winning hand in poker by cheering, they'll flip the table, break a window and take of their shirt, which has quite the opposite effect to had what they'd wanted to achieve, thus making them more 'un-cool' than not, which they will again try to get out of by taking something else to far. It's a vicious circle.

The mind of 'that guy' is a strange thing he see's victory in everything to be a step which he must climb to be cool, failure is something he can turn into a victory if he jokingly get's angry at his opponents and everyone has a laugh at how great 'that guy' is.

Unfortunately in reality his victory at all costs approach involves beating women and children at things like arm wrestling, eating more of something than anyone and spewing everywhere and loud abuse and/or touching you annoyingly until you give up. His ability to take things too far shines when ever he loses because in failure no one really thinks headbutting your opponent, smashing the tv and throwing the card deck out the window is all that funny but 'that guy' will do it anyway.

So if you're 'that guy' please think before you punch your keyboard or burp in someones face, that's actually HINDERING your chances of being liked.

But who am I kidding, you won't listen to this, anybody who's that guy is in worse denial than holocaust deniers.

And anybody who knows a 'that guy' (I know you all do) i'm sorry, but there's nothing short of rat poison tea and dumping the body in the ocean that can be done.

A Graph of Being Five

Hungry Beast in a blogshell.

Tonight on Hungry Beast we deal with the big issues, take sides against evil media empires and give you loads of quotes other people said.



                                       “My visit to

                                Tawang is non-political

                               and aimed at promoting

                                universal brotherhood

                                and nothing else.” The

                                Dalai Lama, visiting the

                                disputed territory of

                                Tawang on the Indian-

                                   Chinese border

                                   “It is a funny thing

                                   with my family, but

                                   for the last 12 years

                                    I have always said

                                   I’m going to win the

                                 lottery.” Les Scadding

                      of Wales, 58, an unemployed mechanic,

                  who won £45.6-million ($79.8-million) in the

                 Euromillions lottery. He says he’ll treat his wife,

                   38-year-old Samantha, admitting that since

                      Christmas he has    been a “kept man”

                         because of a          scarcity of work

Rapists. Are they really all that bad? You decide, well, at least try anyway, this piece will leave you wondering what just happened? We'll bring up a delicate issue, interview people about it, and maybe even give you some 'facts'. This will leave you wondering, is "Hungry Beast a comedy show or a weak A Current Affair clone?", and if you work it out, tell us because we're not sure either!

What about big business eh.
$100,000,000,000 is the amount earned by some company.
$350,000,000,500 is the amount earned buy one guy.
$100 is a much smaller amount than the other two.
SHOCKING.
Down with corporations and government and all that stuff.

Some famous guy or something said something, we reckon that's pretty bullshit.




*insert more quotes made into a picture*


So guys, that's all we had time for today go onto our website and send us more stories to get quotes about or send in your shit videos. Bye!