Rebel Yell Justice! Have you seen this man?

NAME: Jesus Christ

OFFENSES: Terrorism, Fraud, Stealing by receiving and being the leader of a gang conspiring to commit crimes against the Roman Government. 

In his last days Jesus was a paranoid captain of a sinking ship, his whole operation falling around him "one of you will betray me" he said wildly at the last feast of the famous thirteen. Judas, a former member of the group is now a state witness, "He was losing the plot, he thought we could bring the Government down in Jerusalem, I knew we were fucked, it was him or me." 

Jesus was amassing a serious following but made crucial errors by way of his ego. "The son of god? king of the Jews? it's like that Beatles thing" said a former follower. When Jesus was apprehended a whole garrison was required to take him in, only one soldier suffered injuries, loosing an ear in a scuffle with a close disciple of Jesus'. 

Jesus was tried not by the Roman Government but by his own people who found him guilty on all counts. He was Crucified. We didn't know who we were dealing with. In an oceans eleven style ruse, Jesus was given heart slowing medication before being removed from the cross by guards on the inside of his operation. After a time of rest he had the boulder removed from his tomb and escaped. He was reported floating up to the heavens some weeks later. Some few hundred years later he was seen again, this time in Rome, he is believed to have killed Emperor Constantine and posed as him converting the entire empire to his will. Without the support of their various pagan gods the Roman way of life collapsed. 

Jesus is still a threat to your way of life, he has more followers now than he ever did, his corruption can invade your sexual freedoms, your sense of humor, your right to party which the beastie boys career died for, if you know anything about him please phone us at Rebel, Rome, we will avenge you.

Jesus, you call that a miracle?

Jesus.

Some of you might know him from the bible, some of you might have seen him hanging from a wall in your local church but most of us know him from his 80's sitcom Hey, Jesus!

It was definitely a real show.

What did Jesus do?

Jesus, in his time with us on Earth, had some wacky adventures (watch Hey, Jesus! for more details) and on more than one occasion these began with or involved miracles. These weren't everyday 'bickering-couple-reconciles-for-child's-sake' or 'prostitute-sees-the-error-in-her-ways-and-becomes-a-lawyer' crap miracles, Jesus performed some pretty great miracles. This article will list 5 of his miracles that you might not know about.

I can't remember if I mentioned that he had heat-vision... anyway, he does.

What he did.

1. TURNS WATER INTO STEAM


Now everyone who watched Hey, Jesus! saw the episode when Jesus turned all the drinking water at his high school into wine, the scene when the Principal was drunk was a classic. 
It's a staple Jesus story, but little do people know before he was getting people drunk he was turning liquid water into a gas!
That's right, Jesus was turning regular everyday water into a hot mist using only a stove-top! It was Jesus' first big miracle but is often overlooked in place of number 2 on this list.

 You can't fake that.

2. TURNS WATER INTO ICE


Yes, another water based miracle, Jesus worked heavily with water early on in his career, it was kind of his shtick.
Jesus stunned and amazed the masses by taking a glass of fresh rain water and placing it in a freezer, a good few hours later it was frozen solid! Can you believe that? A lot of people at the time didn't, and assumed in the shows intermission, he was swapping out the water and replacing it with some pre-frozen ice. Many people were losing faith in him but this theory was debunked when someone sat and watched the whole thing, not leaving for a break once. The bored man confirmed it's validity and Jesus was again held in high regard.

 He may or may not have had anything to do with Ice-Cube.

3. FLOATS ON WATER


This was the predecessor to his walking on water miracle, and is an old favourite with many a fan, considered to be the best of his water miracles, though it was met with tragedy.
One warm morning Jesus waded his way into a lake, people slowly gathered as they new something was up. Jesus doggy paddled around a little and the to the amazement of the crowd, he spread his arms and legs and stayed afloat in the water. He laid on his back on the lake, bobbing with the ripples, where he remained for about a minute. On his return to the shore, people cheered and clapped him, Jesus took a bow and was thanking the people when someone cried out that there was a young boy attempting the float. Jesus spun around to see the boy flailing about.
"Noooooooooooooo!" Jesus yelled in slow motion, running back into the water, but it was too late, the boy had drowned. However it wasn't long until everybody forgot about the boy, and Jesus' miracle was celebrated further.

If only they had been watching the kid...

4. FINDS IMAGE OF SELF ON BURNT TOAST


One morning the small village of The Bible was woken to the sounds of Jesus yelling:
"Hey, come check this out!"
It was Jesus, so everyone did as ordered, no one wanted to miss the chance of another miracle. They were met with Jesus holding a slice of toast, which, upon further inspection, had an image of Jesus on it. It was amazing, everybody cheered, that is everybody but a small group of grouches who said that Jesus could of just scraped the picture onto the the toast with a knife. This caused a stir amongst fans, some believing he did, some not. It was his second controversial miracle. One accuser attempted to redraw the miracle toast picture but kept scraping off too much of the burnt bit and gave up saying:
"I guess it probably was a miracle."
And again, Jesus had all his fans back, they believed once more.

Actual Jesus toast, with a lamp behind it.

5. BEAT SKI-FREE


This is Jesus' third, final and most controversial miracle of all. Jesus finshed the (near) impossible game that is Ski-Free.
This miracle is so controversial as no one, other than Jesus, saw it happen. Now many people say it must be true, Jesus has no reason to lie, I mean he's turning water into ice for goodness sakes. Jesus says:
"Near the end I was going real quick and I hit a ramp right near the end and got over the yeti."
Seems legit enough, but some conspiracy theorists say that there isn't a jump near the yeti and the speed attainable on the slopes isn't sufficient to out run the Yeti.
So no one truly knows the legitimacy of this miracle, you just have to make up your own mind.

 What? You gonna say I didn't win? Look at this crown.

And there you have it, five miracles of Jesus you probably didn't even know.


Rebel Yell - Faiths and Pantheons Dept.

REBEL YELL AND EDGE RADIO NEEDS YOU!

You're one of the lucky ones. You get to enjoy this side-splittingly educational, continuously hilarious and  ever-entertaining blog whenever you please, you've found this blog either by word of mouth, the constant spamming on facebook or maybe even on the radio. Well, if you have heard us on the radio you're even luckier, that's where we started, that's where Rebel Yell was formed.

Now you probably think that when Rebel Yell graces your ear drums it happens the same way this blog does... Magic.

Well you'd be wrong.
Rebel Yell is actually broadcast from EDGE RADIO 99.3 FM. 

 Note the EDGE RADIO Cube in the picture

Rebel Yell's favorite radio station EDGE RADIO 99.3 FM is a non-profit organization and because billions of people like YOU listen to it for free everyday they're starting to get a little low on the green, in fact all the green is now a horrible wrinkly red (kind of like the bills on The Sims if you don't pay them) and we need YOU to support by donating some money. Even if you don't listen to EDGE please donate some money.






Otherwise Rebel Yell might just cease to be.
Wow, there. Don't cry, crying isn't going to solve anything, money, on the other hand will. So give generously.
 

So go here EDGE RADIOTHON or to the other two links to do everybody a favour and donate.

Cheers, Rebel Yell.





.

An album made just for you!

THAT’S right kids! Rebel yell has entered the music industry, and have we got some offers for you!
Do we?
Yes.
Rebel Yell Records will tailor an album based on your life for just $69.99! Here’s a startling review of the album about you that’s making headlines around this blog!

“Well to start with the centrepiece of the album, that eight minute epic about the first time you had sex was just brilliant, I mean before that it was mainly solos, this became depressing after a while. Oh except for that duet with your uncle... that was just weird.”

Wow looks like your life is messed up! Makes for a good album though!

An Album about You! $69.99

Interview with a Phraser

Our prized interviewer catches up with Colin the master phrase maker.


Rebel - So you coin phrases for a living?

Colin - Does a bear shit in the woods? ha. yes of course he does.

Rebel - If the current trends in environmental change permits.

Colin - Yes in fact I coined the phrase 'to coin a phrase'

Rebel - Oh good. Sorry i'm a little unprepared, we were supposed to be interviewing John Elton but he died. Of Cholera. Unexpected.

Colin - So you've been thrown in the deep end, also one of mine.

Rebel - Ah, so it appears you take a lot of work home with you?

Colin - Ah, sorry?

Rebel - You know you take a lot of your WORK home with you...

Colin - I'm sorry i don't understand.

Rebel - Well you use a lot of phrases in every day life.

Colin - Yes I invent them.

Rebel - So sayings just come naturally for you?

Colin - Yes i'm a chip of the old block.

Rebel - So your father was in the business as well?

Colin - No he died when I was young.

Rebel - Is there any money in coming up with phrases?

Colin - Ha i have money coming out of the wazoo mate.

Rebel - So your wealthy then?

Colin - No i'm horribly poor, you see a wazoo doesn't exist, I came up with it in fact.

Rebel - I don't want to be a wet blanket but we aren't paying you for this interview.

Colin - Wet Blanket? can i use that?

Rebel - No it's already quite a common phrase

Colin - Well it sucks anyway,I just came up with a better one "damp blanket"

Rebel - Thats almost exactly the same thing.

Colin - I don't tell you how to do your job.

Rebel - You were telling me how to do it earlier before the interview, I was quite offended.

Colin - Alright, lets let bygones be bygones

Rebel - What is a bygone? I imagine some kind of two sided polygon.

Colin - It's a phrase, that I invented. Well if i'm not getting paid i'm out of here like a French hen.

Rebel - That didn't make any sense but thanks for coming on the show

Colin - Your out of sugar sachets.

A Graph of Being Five

Non Fiction Choose your own adventure!

Europe’s un- civil war

The choose your own adventure non-fiction book!

“Hitler’s growing self importance led him to over- rule his experienced Generals, this led to....”

If you think that this ultimately led to an unwinnable war against the people of Russia turn to page 40.

If you think that this led to the USA’s intervention leading to Red off Band of Brothers personally killing all of the Nazis turn to page 44.

If you think that this led to the unfortunate misconception of Nazi aggression, mostly agitated by Jewish conspirators you are David Irving. Go away.

This just in: Jesus Clash

Jesus Christs scheduled return to earth in 2012 has clashed with that of the Mayan predicted 'end of the world'. It's feared that the 'end of the world as we know it', as sung by R.E.M, will over shadow the famous prophets return.

"I'm pretty pissed off about the whole thing." Said the holy carpenter.

"I've had this tour planned for thousands of years now, but I guess there's some things you just can't plan for."
Despite the expected destruction of earth, the son of God has stated he will not be canceling any of his shows.

"I just can't let my fans down." Said Jesus. It was said to be Christs most ambitious return yet, bigger and better than his last. However with the world nearing it's end many people are unsure whether of  not they'll be able to attend the return, or even be alive.

"I don't think I can make it," Says Joe, a local merchant.

"The planets impending doom has just filled up my schedule and at the same time made it redundant." Joe's words seem to echo that of the general public.

"As this is my second return, I think the whole 'difficult second return' rule is in effect, " Joked the Messiah.

"I'm just hoping for some kind of miracle."

- Rebel News.