Once upon a time meat was unknown to the average Joe, like fulfilled election promises it remained but a rarity, a romantic idea that few ever saw become reality. The history of how meat came crashing down onto the peoples plates in a bloody and glorious mess is an epic tale of revolution, both political and industrial.
Chicken Nuggets
You might have even forgotten about them but don’t worry they are here to stay.
Once upon a time chicken was spread uselessly around the bones of stupid and weak flightless birds such as chickens. It was Sir Adam McNugget, in 1805, who had the idea of compressing this ridiculous animal in to manageable bite sized holocaust. The story goes that when Sir McNugget thought it would be funny to put his most disliked factory laborer’s hand in some machinery it tore it into chunks that were easy to consume. The poor and starving laborer would testify to this later having been interviewed years after. ‘I didn’t have any food, and there were these bits of my hand, slightly cooked by the machinery, it didn’t even matter that it consisted mainly of veins and pulpy flesh, in fact, that’s where all the charm was,’.
Sir McNugget immediately changed his Victorian chimney sweep factory into a streamlined chicken slaughter-fest, the rest as they say… is history.
Parmigiana
The story of how an Italian sauce found itself vomited upon ever corner pub side walk in the world.
It was when Sicilian born Salvatore Parmigiana killed all five of his thoroughly annoying sisters that he was sentenced to 3 weeks in prison, a sentence that he served four days of before making parole. Upon returning to his family home he saw that nobody had cooked him dinner, his mother was sick and the other women were dead. Having no experience in cooking he immediately killed every animal on the family farm as he could not decide which one would taste best, also he was Sicilian. After chopping each animal up into manageable sizes he poured a combination of canned tomato, garlic and cheese on top. When the police chief popped in, as he often did, he was invited to choose from chicken, beef or state witness Parmigiana. The rest as they say… is history.
Fish.
A chilling example of what can happen if all food came from the sea.
The fish is a cruel mistress, one minute it’s beer battered and sitting next to a soon to be tipped vat of salt, the next it’s standing in the way of your burger on good Friday, daring you to defy its indecipherable tradition. But few people know that fish comes from the sea, a place where, as far as our research can tell, has little in the way of cattle or guiness. Fish can also be found in Sushi but our research has also shown that you can’t enjoy sushi unless you are female or a male that wears a scarf.
The Burger
Scientists aren’t the only thing pilfered from Germany by the U.S
Everybody knows that the Third Reich was developing Hamburgers from the late 20s but the technology was impotent without American based sauce technology. When Professor Von Straussengerman fled war time Germany to escape prosecution at the hands of rationing. Hitler had ordered that only so much meat be allocated to warm sandwich based research, knowing his life’s research could be destroyed the professor contacted MI6. Immediately recognizing the potential power of such a device MI6 had him flown to a secret research centre in the U.S. When the burger hit American shelves the war was virtually over for the axis powers not having realized the commercial potential of such a thing.
More to follow!
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