A chilling look into the situation of homelessness in Australian cities.

So you’re on the run from the government! This means you have..

A:  Uncovered the Australian government’s dark secret regarding Mafia Wars, the game we all know and love from Facebook.

B: Been slingshoting your way around the nation’s capital with a combination of grapple and parachute.

C: found out the truth about boat people (they are actually a sentient race of boats)

D:  Discovered that the new porn blocker is just a questionnaire. (Are you a paedophile? if yes please select yes)

We all know that by now you should have donned a foil hat, this is common knowledge. We don’t want those satellites zooming in on your brainwaves man. But there are further requirements.

ROLL IN SOME MUD.

Nobody will take you seriously unless you look like you have been fighting for your life, if your in clean clothes and smell nice people will not think you authentic, you are running from the government here, blend in.

DON’T BUY ANYTHING

You can’t risk buying food over the counter; you can find discarded food in bins and at food courts. You will require alcohol to keep you warm however, send someone in to buy it for you, make sure you call them sonny Jim or they won’t do you this favour.

TELL EVERYONE ABOUT YOUR STORY

You need to spread the word but stopping people and telling them is too inefficient, why not just tell your story on loop while walking down the street to nobody in particular, this way heaps of people will get a snippet of your story. Also make sure you mumble it, this will intrigue listeners and you will draw them in.

PUBLIC TRANSPORT IS SAFE FROM SATELITES

A good method to avoid capture is to hop on a bus or tram and ride it all day without getting off, remember to sit next to someone even if there are free seats, offer them your story but make sure you start with the middle of your story otherwise they won’t understand.

GROW YOUR FACIAL HAIR

Nothing is more welcoming than a full beard, whether you are male or female you can’t go wrong, government spies won’t recognise you.

GOD IS ON YOUR SIDE

Remember to bless those who listen to you and give you change. You need to raise money for your cause and if you don’t bless them with god’s protection they will fall prey to the evils of the government.

I hope this advice leads you safely from the darkness of the government, all there is to say now is good luck and godless you sonny Jim.