Real Property, Real Real-Estate

Let me guess, a three bedroom house with a deck and a trampoline and your in heaven, you can file your children in their respective rooms and let them govern themselves by way of the internet and Morris dancing. However we here at rebel yell don't think you should have to walk out your door and see how much better your neighbors retaining wall is than yours, we think it's time you gave the old "house" the boot.

 Sorry Hugh, back to being Fry's bitch.

 

No we here at Rebel yell think that small and therefore weak, fear not though beautiful subjects. Freaks.

We have alternatives! 

Why not move you and ten mates into a share house, just replace "mates" with peasants and "share house" with STAR FORT

 

This is a STAR FORT available for sale in a safe neighborhood, why is it safe? because of the cannons of course! Don't like your neighbor? force him to work on your land! how? the cannons of course! 

This wonderful piece of historic big dickery is available for the low low price of Gibraltar! Do you own Gibraltar or an equivalent vital port? why not trade?

PORTUGAL

Are you in the market for a rental? Well Spain has released it's lease on Portugal and we here at Rebel Yell have bought it up, we will rent this wonderful part of Europe for 3 lengths of gravel a month. 

Do you hate the stupid face of your neighbor? imagine trading him/her for Spain, it's like mexico but rich!

Portugal has long been known for its intimate relationship with the sea, this will not be approved of as part of the new tenants agreement. 

Are you prone to long bouts of temptation from Satan or unbelievable meetings with Allah?

Well we have a wonderful natural style living space that can only be described as a cave. 

We have to say it is a renovators nightmare, if you try to extend a room in this domicile you will find out what the meaning of structure bearing stalactite is! Yours to own for several installments of Koran.

Keep posted for more great Rebel Yell Real Estate!

Deep Space Rebel (Yell)

 How the Rebel Yell Nation got into Space 

(and what we did there.)

Space, deep space.
Millions of galaxy, trillions of stars (give or take).
And a lone Spaceship, The Redel.

It's called The Redel because, well long story short, there was some miscommunication between us and the painters, we didn't have time to repaint, so it stuck.

Also we forgot to take a picture pre-take off, this is all we have:

I was like "Take it with the camera sideways, so you get a taller picture!" And he's all "Nah, this'll be right."

So I will give you a quick description of The Redel.

It was as phallic in nature, as it was in spirit. Two large spherical boosters on back, a long shaft-like, cylindrical body, and a hemisphere cock-pit at the front.

But there was nothing funny about this ship, (aside from it's resemblance to a cock) as it was extremely powerful and capable of the impossible light-speed. It could thrust through the vagina of space with precision and ease.

The Rebel Yell Space Program

Rebel Yell's space program is the one of the most expensive, extensive and expansive.

It has already begun moon colonization, and The Redel is the first deep space explorer craft ever.

The program was founded after The Superkings were persuaded (see; conned) into buying some moon property. Not long after, they realised the futility of this newly purchased land, and began The Rebel Yell Space Program, to make some use of their moon property, which they almost have. And with that the program continues to grow each and everyday.

 Rebel Yell owns pretty much that section.

What about The Redel?

The Redel has been exploring deep space for 5 years now, which might sound strange considering they were only launched 1 year ago. During their exploration they came across a 'ReTardis', which according to their explanation was a giant old English phone box, which they flew the ship straight into and re-emerged at the same place but 4 years earlier.

Having the power to go at warp speed has increased the possibilities of space exploration infinitely.

So The Redel has many a story. That of other life forms, amazing worlds, other cool stuff.

All of which will be revealed in the Blog series - The Redel.

So look out for it.

The Rebel Yell Space Program.

Hell ain't a bad place!

 So, you're thinking about going to hell?

 A helpful brochure brought to you by Hell and Rebel Yell.

Hell, everyone’s heard of hell, it’s where you burn for your sins, and you're tortured for eternity, also there’s heaps of fire!

Welcome!

Well despite what you’ve heard, Hell ain’t a bad place!

Hell gets a bad wrap, and no body wants to go there anymore, that’s why The Dark Lord, Satan, Beelzebub, Lucifer, Old Hob, The Prince of Darkness himself has decided to give the Underworld an image reboot!

A little known fact is that Ridley Scott's Legend is a perfect depiction of Satan.

 Frequently Asked Stuff:

“Working off my sins in eternal hell fire for all eternity sounds terrible!”

Well, that’s the old hell, now the forced labor works just like a full-time job on earth! You earn holidays, work steady hours and have recess and lunch breaks! (Overtime optional)

Now I can work off my sins and have a personal life!

 “Wow! But what about all the fire, is that still there, I hate the heat!”

Yes, the fire’s still there, but we now have Fujitsu Air Conditioners, Hell’s favourite air!
So the prettiness and illumination of the flame still remains, while you work at a comfortable temperature!

 Note: Fujitsu has no association with Hell or Rebel Yell whatsoever

“Hmm, sounds too good to be true, is there TV?”

Of course!
Featuring programs like:  

Cooking with the Antichrist
Two’s Company, Three’s Hell! 
Hey, Jesus! 
and 
The View!

 Ok, there is still a little bit of torture in Hell.

“I can’t wait to go to Hell! But what about my birthday?”

Funny you should ask, ever heard the expression ‘War is Hell’?
Well now it can be in one of five themed party rooms for birthdays and anniversaries!

The themes being:

War
Underwater (Satan’s personal favourite)
Prison
Post-Apocalyptic
and
Outer Space

Satan just can't get enough of the Underwater Theme Room!

“Sound’s great, I love Hell!”

Great stuff, kid!

What else can I do?

There are so many activities that you can participate in during your days off and spare time!

You can ‘burn’ off those extra pounds in the Hellfire Gym.

Play a selection of your favourite sports and recreate in the Sport and Recreation Area.

And so much more!

So next time you’re thinking about repenting on your deathbed, remember this pamphlet and consider coming ‘down town’ to The Underworld.

Hell, it’s where all the cool people go when they die!


_____

Jesus, you call that a miracle?

Jesus.

Some of you might know him from the bible, some of you might have seen him hanging from a wall in your local church but most of us know him from his 80's sitcom Hey, Jesus!

It was definitely a real show.

What did Jesus do?

Jesus, in his time with us on Earth, had some wacky adventures (watch Hey, Jesus! for more details) and on more than one occasion these began with or involved miracles. These weren't everyday 'bickering-couple-reconciles-for-child's-sake' or 'prostitute-sees-the-error-in-her-ways-and-becomes-a-lawyer' crap miracles, Jesus performed some pretty great miracles. This article will list 5 of his miracles that you might not know about.

I can't remember if I mentioned that he had heat-vision... anyway, he does.

What he did.

1. TURNS WATER INTO STEAM


Now everyone who watched Hey, Jesus! saw the episode when Jesus turned all the drinking water at his high school into wine, the scene when the Principal was drunk was a classic. 
It's a staple Jesus story, but little do people know before he was getting people drunk he was turning liquid water into a gas!
That's right, Jesus was turning regular everyday water into a hot mist using only a stove-top! It was Jesus' first big miracle but is often overlooked in place of number 2 on this list.

 You can't fake that.

2. TURNS WATER INTO ICE


Yes, another water based miracle, Jesus worked heavily with water early on in his career, it was kind of his shtick.
Jesus stunned and amazed the masses by taking a glass of fresh rain water and placing it in a freezer, a good few hours later it was frozen solid! Can you believe that? A lot of people at the time didn't, and assumed in the shows intermission, he was swapping out the water and replacing it with some pre-frozen ice. Many people were losing faith in him but this theory was debunked when someone sat and watched the whole thing, not leaving for a break once. The bored man confirmed it's validity and Jesus was again held in high regard.

 He may or may not have had anything to do with Ice-Cube.

3. FLOATS ON WATER


This was the predecessor to his walking on water miracle, and is an old favourite with many a fan, considered to be the best of his water miracles, though it was met with tragedy.
One warm morning Jesus waded his way into a lake, people slowly gathered as they new something was up. Jesus doggy paddled around a little and the to the amazement of the crowd, he spread his arms and legs and stayed afloat in the water. He laid on his back on the lake, bobbing with the ripples, where he remained for about a minute. On his return to the shore, people cheered and clapped him, Jesus took a bow and was thanking the people when someone cried out that there was a young boy attempting the float. Jesus spun around to see the boy flailing about.
"Noooooooooooooo!" Jesus yelled in slow motion, running back into the water, but it was too late, the boy had drowned. However it wasn't long until everybody forgot about the boy, and Jesus' miracle was celebrated further.

If only they had been watching the kid...

4. FINDS IMAGE OF SELF ON BURNT TOAST


One morning the small village of The Bible was woken to the sounds of Jesus yelling:
"Hey, come check this out!"
It was Jesus, so everyone did as ordered, no one wanted to miss the chance of another miracle. They were met with Jesus holding a slice of toast, which, upon further inspection, had an image of Jesus on it. It was amazing, everybody cheered, that is everybody but a small group of grouches who said that Jesus could of just scraped the picture onto the the toast with a knife. This caused a stir amongst fans, some believing he did, some not. It was his second controversial miracle. One accuser attempted to redraw the miracle toast picture but kept scraping off too much of the burnt bit and gave up saying:
"I guess it probably was a miracle."
And again, Jesus had all his fans back, they believed once more.

Actual Jesus toast, with a lamp behind it.

5. BEAT SKI-FREE


This is Jesus' third, final and most controversial miracle of all. Jesus finshed the (near) impossible game that is Ski-Free.
This miracle is so controversial as no one, other than Jesus, saw it happen. Now many people say it must be true, Jesus has no reason to lie, I mean he's turning water into ice for goodness sakes. Jesus says:
"Near the end I was going real quick and I hit a ramp right near the end and got over the yeti."
Seems legit enough, but some conspiracy theorists say that there isn't a jump near the yeti and the speed attainable on the slopes isn't sufficient to out run the Yeti.
So no one truly knows the legitimacy of this miracle, you just have to make up your own mind.

 What? You gonna say I didn't win? Look at this crown.

And there you have it, five miracles of Jesus you probably didn't even know.


Rebel Yell - Faiths and Pantheons Dept.

Rebel Yell Studies presents... Microwave Time.

 Microwave Time.

Now i'm sure we're all aware of the saying 'Time flies when you're having fun' but never has the flip-side of this well known saying been so true as with Microwave Time. Never has 3 minutes taken as long as it has to cook those noodles. Rebel Yell studies will explain this phenomenom as we throw all previous flawed time theories out the window, sort of.

If microwaves were around back then, this is what Abe would look like waiting for his pizza to re-heat.

Micro-what?!

The Microwave Oven was brought to our homes in 1967. It was designed as an alternate and much faster way to eliminate Gremlins than the conventional oven. It has become a household standard these days for it's convenience and ease of use, you could just trap a Gremlin in it, set it to around 2 minutes (depending on the size) and BOOM, dead Gremlin. Alternatively you could heat up food in it.

They HATE microwaves. 

 Why are we waiting?

Now it is true that the Microwave will heat things up quicker than the conventional oven but, you see, the Microwave works on it's own alternate time. The minutes on a Microwave countdown are even slower than that of a watched clock. 

For example, if you are cooking a pie at 3 mintues in the Microwave, you have time to use the toliet, have a drink, check facebook and pace impatiently and will still have 1.50 left on the countdown, where as if you had 5 minutes untill you needed to leave the house, taking a slash and grabbing a drink will have you leaving 5 minutes late! 

 How it works, probably.

What does this mean?

In an attempt to harness the phenomenom that is Microwave Time, Rebel Yell Studies had someone go to bed with a microwave on his bed side table and upon waking setting it to 30 minutes to see if his sleep in felt much longer. However, the subject never got back to us.

So at the moment there is nothing we can do with this strange occurence, maybe sometime in the future in the year 2019, but until then lets all just respect the magical Microwave and enjoy a delicious Microwave pork roast!

Note; microwave roasts not reccomended.

Meat! a few things you may not have known!!!

Once upon a time meat was unknown to the average Joe, like fulfilled election promises it remained but a rarity, a romantic idea that few ever saw become reality.  The history of how meat came crashing down onto the peoples plates in a bloody and glorious mess is an epic tale of revolution, both political and industrial.

Chicken Nuggets

You might have even forgotten about them but don’t worry they are here to stay.

Once upon a time chicken was spread uselessly around the bones of stupid and weak flightless birds such as chickens. It was Sir Adam McNugget, in 1805, who had the idea of compressing this ridiculous animal in to manageable bite sized holocaust. The story goes that when Sir McNugget thought it would be funny to put his most disliked factory laborer’s hand in some machinery it tore it into chunks that were easy to consume. The poor and starving laborer would testify to this later having been interviewed years after.  ‘I didn’t have any food, and there were these bits of my hand, slightly cooked by the machinery, it didn’t even matter that it consisted mainly of veins and pulpy flesh, in fact, that’s where all the charm was,’.

Sir McNugget immediately changed his Victorian chimney sweep factory into a streamlined chicken slaughter-fest, the rest as they say… is history.

Parmigiana

The story of how an Italian sauce found itself vomited upon ever corner pub side walk in the world.

It was when Sicilian born Salvatore Parmigiana killed all five of his thoroughly annoying sisters that he was sentenced to 3 weeks in prison, a sentence that he served four days of before making parole. Upon returning to his family home he saw that nobody had cooked him dinner, his mother was sick and the other women were dead. Having no experience in cooking he immediately killed every animal on the family farm as he could not decide which one would taste best, also he was Sicilian. After chopping each animal up into manageable sizes he poured a combination of canned tomato, garlic and cheese on top. When the police chief popped in, as he often did, he was invited to choose from chicken, beef or state witness Parmigiana. The rest as they say… is history.

Fish.

A chilling example of what can happen if all food came from the sea.

The fish is a cruel mistress, one minute it’s beer battered and sitting next to a soon to be tipped vat of salt, the next it’s standing in the way of your burger on good Friday, daring you to defy its indecipherable tradition. But few people know that fish comes from the sea, a place where, as far as our research can tell, has little in the way of cattle or guiness. Fish can also be found in Sushi but our research has also shown that you can’t enjoy sushi unless you are female or a male that wears a scarf.

The Burger

Scientists aren’t the only thing pilfered from Germany by the U.S

Everybody knows that the Third Reich was developing Hamburgers from the late 20s but the technology was impotent without American based sauce technology. When Professor Von Straussengerman fled war time Germany to escape prosecution at the hands of rationing. Hitler had ordered that only so much meat be allocated to warm sandwich based research, knowing his life’s research could be destroyed the professor contacted MI6. Immediately recognizing the potential power of such a device MI6 had him flown to a secret research centre in the U.S. When the burger hit American shelves the war was virtually over for the axis powers not having realized the commercial potential of such a thing.

More to follow!

Rebel Yell Studies presents...

The Lost Pick Theory.

Anyone who has ever played guitar, bass or other picked instrument will know the extreme frustration of dropping a pick, also known as a plectrum, and have it meld into the carpet or become lost deep under the bed/couch/desk. It is tortuous. The Lost Pick Theory, or LPT as it shall be referred to from now on, attempts to explain this painful phenomenon and it's workings.

LTP also explains the loss of any small dropped item, like; key's, remotes, nail clippers, mobile phones etc. The science is the same.

"Hang on, i'll just gra.. Oh what the fuck? I only just dropped it there!"

LTP

Stage 1: The Drop

The initial action of dropping the item is the most vital stage of the LPT. The position of landing and further movement is entirely dependant on one's vision of the object. If you are, at the time of dropping, looking at the item, said item will fall naturally and, more often than not, as expected. However, if said item is out of view, it will land in such a way that it will shoot off in a ridiculous fashion and continue on to the next stage.

LPT when item is in view

Stage 2: The Tumble

The tumble is the stage in which the item will venture forth from it's landing location. The item's size or weight has no bearing on it's tumble. Stress, frustration and necessity are the only relavent factors. If one is cool, calm, collected and/or in no hurry the tumble will be minor, however if the dropped item is your last pick, or something you need in a hurry, the tumble will be obscenely infuriating. The principal behind this is Murphy's Law (now officially deemed a 'science' in the Rebel Yell nation).

LTP when item is out of view

Stage 3: The Fumble

This stage only occurs after the fumble, and will not occur if the dropped item was in view. The fumble is the stage of trying to find where the dropped item has gotten too. It can last for quite a while depending on the victim. Though in most cases, accepting the loss is the most beneficial, health wise, solution as a tumbled pick will, 9 times out of 10, never be found again, and prolonged searching will only increase frustration and anger. Other dropped items will almost always show up, but will not be easily located.

 "I seriorsly doubt it would be all the way out h... Oh, there it is."

The actual permanent loss of pick's can be determined by the sub-theorum; Chameleon Pick Theory, CPT. However this does only count for plectrums.

Chameleon Pick Theory

Picks are infamous for being invisible to the human eye when on carpet. This is because all picks have a chameleon gene, and are capeable of changing the colour of themselves to match the surrounding carpet. They are the only shaped plastic object capeable of such a feat, and probably the only non-sentient or non-programmed thing able to do it at all.

See if you can spot the pick.

Yours truly, 

     The Rebel Yell science team.